“I haven’t met a lady here who isn’t kind.”
This was a comment made by a sweet soul sister I met on Sunday morning, at the close of the Called to Peace Ministries He Makes All Things New Retreat.
Such profound truth.
For years, even decades, we were told that we were the problem.
We were mistreated, dishonored, abused, shamed and blamed.
But, the truth is that abusers choose victims because of their strengths, not their weaknesses.
Many of are servers.
Helpers.
Rescuers.
Healers.
Nurturers.
We are forgiving, empathetic, long-suffering, self-sacrificing, optimistic, compassionate, creative and resourceful.
Always hoping and waiting and praying.
Almost to the point of death.
I am so thankful for TRUTH.
TRUTH sets us FREE.
We are beloved.
Cherished.
Honored.
Chosen.
Wanted.
Anointed.
Equipped.
Empowered.
Enabled.
We are a mighty army, rising up.
This was a comment made by a sweet soul sister I met on Sunday morning, at the close of the Called to Peace Ministries He Makes All Things New Retreat.
Such profound truth.
For years, even decades, we were told that we were the problem.
We were mistreated, dishonored, abused, shamed and blamed.
But, the truth is that abusers choose victims because of their strengths, not their weaknesses.
Many of are servers.
Helpers.
Rescuers.
Healers.
Nurturers.
We are forgiving, empathetic, long-suffering, self-sacrificing, optimistic, compassionate, creative and resourceful.
Always hoping and waiting and praying.
Almost to the point of death.
I am so thankful for TRUTH.
TRUTH sets us FREE.
We are beloved.
Cherished.
Honored.
Chosen.
Wanted.
Anointed.
Equipped.
Empowered.
Enabled.
We are a mighty army, rising up.
We’ve come through the fire and we will keep carrying back buckets for those who are still engulfed in the flames.
If you are a woman who is rebuilding your life after abuse, join us on Facebook at Held & Healed. Our community is growing and we are getting ready to start a book club and planning our first annual retreat.
(Disclaimer: In my previous post, I shared about surviving decades of spiritual abuse in a variety of churches and denominations. This is my story, and my story is quite common. So many have been deeply wounded by religious institutions and I speak up to help distinguish between the abusive behaviors of man and the loving heart of Father God. If you want to read more of my story, I go in to more details here.)
A year ago, I made a life-changing decision.
I left church to follow Jesus.
I left religion to pursue relationship.
I left spiritual narcissism to find freedom.
I left patriarchy to rest in my Father’s arms.
I left misogyny to find my value as a woman.
I left exhaustion to experience rest.
I left confusion to bask in clarity.
I left chaos to breathe in peace.
I left darkness to walk in joy.
Matthew 18:20 says, “For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there I am in the midst of them.”
I have been blessed by some precious “two or more” gatherings in the past year that have been intimate, powerful and anointed.
I am intentional about meeting face to face with others who love God and who have the fruit of the Spirit evident in their lives.
We meet, we talk, we discuss scriptures, we eat, we share a cup of tea, we pray, we laugh, we cry.
These gatherings remind me of Acts 2:42-45. “And they continued steadfastly in the apostles’ doctrine and fellowship, in the breaking of bread, and in prayers. Then fear came upon every soul, and many wonders and signs were done through the apostles. Now all who believed were brought together, and had all things in common, and sold their possessions and goods, and divided them among all, as anyone had need.”
If you have experienced abuse, ridicule, shame, blame, or judgement from a religious institution, I am so sorry.
I assure you, that’s not God.
If you are a Christian woman rebuilding your life after abuse, join our community here, where I have organized hundreds of resources to help you on your healing journey.
I left church to follow Jesus.
I know this statement will make some people extremely uncomfortable.
But church represents trauma, pain, abuse, misogyny, and patriarchy to me.
At this point in my journey, this is what I must do to heal.
A year ago, I made a life-changing decision.
I left church to follow Jesus.
I left religion to pursue relationship.
I left spiritual narcissism to find freedom.
I left patriarchy to rest in my Father’s arms.
I left misogyny to find my value as a woman.
I left exhaustion to experience rest.
I left confusion to bask in clarity.
I left chaos to breathe in peace.
I left darkness to walk in joy.
Matthew 18:20 says, “For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there I am in the midst of them.”
I have been blessed by some precious “two or more” gatherings in the past year that have been intimate, powerful and anointed.
I am intentional about meeting face to face with others who love God and who have the fruit of the Spirit evident in their lives.
We meet, we talk, we discuss scriptures, we eat, we share a cup of tea, we pray, we laugh, we cry.
These gatherings remind me of Acts 2:42-45. “And they continued steadfastly in the apostles’ doctrine and fellowship, in the breaking of bread, and in prayers. Then fear came upon every soul, and many wonders and signs were done through the apostles. Now all who believed were brought together, and had all things in common, and sold their possessions and goods, and divided them among all, as anyone had need.”
If you have experienced abuse, ridicule, shame, blame, or judgement from a religious institution, I am so sorry.
I assure you, that’s not God.
If you are a Christian woman rebuilding your life after abuse, join our community here, where I have organized hundreds of resources to help you on your healing journey.
I left church to follow Jesus.
I know this statement will make some people extremely uncomfortable.
But church represents trauma, pain, abuse, misogyny, and patriarchy to me.
At this point in my journey, this is what I must do to heal.
Bullies are everywhere.
They are on school buses and playgrounds.
In boardrooms and MLM’s.
They stand on platforms and behind pulpits.
They may share your bloodline or your last name.
I vividly recall one such bully. I was in middle school, petite and timid. Abuse was rampant at home, so I was scared of my own shadow. I was jumpy and unsure of myself. This bully had laser focus. She picked me out on the school bus and stalked me in the dark corners of the school library. She threatened bodily harm on my frail frame.
in high school, I stepped in to protect someone else from a bully. A mean girl. I was barely 90 pounds, soaking wet, but she was verbally attacking someone I cared about and I didn't think twice about intervening.
I have dealt with more bullies in my life that I care to recount. Many of those bullies have been in positions of spiritual leadership over me. Those are the worst kind. Ones who know God's Word and use it to beat others up.
As I am healing, I have learned a few things that give me courage to stand up for myself and walk away from bullies. I know I have so much more to learn, but these are some of the thoughts that are on my heart today.
I am no longer a scared, timid little girl. I am a grown woman. I am a powerful advocate for myself and others. I am a voice for the voiceless.
I choose to walk away from conversations or texts battles that are accusing, gaslighting, manipulating or projecting a bully's behaviors on to me. I am not anyone's punching bag or verbal vomit bucket. I am worthy of honor and respect.
I do not have to have relationships with those who bully me. I can go low or no contact with anyone who makes me feel threatened or unsafe.
I am not the reason a bully is miserable. I cannot to fix, heal, recuse, save or change anyone. The bully is responsible for his/her behaviors, I am responsible for mine.
Jesus had lots to say about abusers. He told us to have NOTHING to do with them. Jesus understood boundaries, and I am here to learn from the best teacher of all.
They are on school buses and playgrounds.
In boardrooms and MLM’s.
They stand on platforms and behind pulpits.
They may share your bloodline or your last name.
I vividly recall one such bully. I was in middle school, petite and timid. Abuse was rampant at home, so I was scared of my own shadow. I was jumpy and unsure of myself. This bully had laser focus. She picked me out on the school bus and stalked me in the dark corners of the school library. She threatened bodily harm on my frail frame.
in high school, I stepped in to protect someone else from a bully. A mean girl. I was barely 90 pounds, soaking wet, but she was verbally attacking someone I cared about and I didn't think twice about intervening.
I have dealt with more bullies in my life that I care to recount. Many of those bullies have been in positions of spiritual leadership over me. Those are the worst kind. Ones who know God's Word and use it to beat others up.
As I am healing, I have learned a few things that give me courage to stand up for myself and walk away from bullies. I know I have so much more to learn, but these are some of the thoughts that are on my heart today.
I am no longer a scared, timid little girl. I am a grown woman. I am a powerful advocate for myself and others. I am a voice for the voiceless.
I choose to walk away from conversations or texts battles that are accusing, gaslighting, manipulating or projecting a bully's behaviors on to me. I am not anyone's punching bag or verbal vomit bucket. I am worthy of honor and respect.
I do not have to have relationships with those who bully me. I can go low or no contact with anyone who makes me feel threatened or unsafe.
I am not the reason a bully is miserable. I cannot to fix, heal, recuse, save or change anyone. The bully is responsible for his/her behaviors, I am responsible for mine.
Jesus had lots to say about abusers. He told us to have NOTHING to do with them. Jesus understood boundaries, and I am here to learn from the best teacher of all.
Dear Sister,
I was invited to share in a group last week. This is a year to PROCLAIM God's goodness and any and every opportunity I get to share my story and tell of His faithfulness, I will take it.
Since I had only an hour with these ladies, I asked myself which FIVE POINTS I wanted to leave them with. Each of these points have MANY subpoints, but I wanted to give them things they could remember. I have hundreds of pages of notes from the abuse advocacy academy that I will complete this month. There is so much I want to say. But, for here and now, know these things:
I was invited to share in a group last week. This is a year to PROCLAIM God's goodness and any and every opportunity I get to share my story and tell of His faithfulness, I will take it.
Since I had only an hour with these ladies, I asked myself which FIVE POINTS I wanted to leave them with. Each of these points have MANY subpoints, but I wanted to give them things they could remember. I have hundreds of pages of notes from the abuse advocacy academy that I will complete this month. There is so much I want to say. But, for here and now, know these things:
God loves YOU more than He loves your marriage.
God's Word has MUCH to say about abuse/abusers. (Review the Power & Control Wheel for extensive examples of abuse)
God loves His daughters and He wants us to be safe and well.
Most marriages experience seasons that are disappointing or difficult. However, many marriages are destructive.
In case of destructive marriages (abuse, addiction and/or adultery), marriage counseling is DANGEROUS, UNWISE AND UNETIHICAL.
Ladies, you are welcome to join us at Held & Healed: Christian Women Rebuilding After Abuse.
God's Word has MUCH to say about abuse/abusers. (Review the Power & Control Wheel for extensive examples of abuse)
God loves His daughters and He wants us to be safe and well.
Most marriages experience seasons that are disappointing or difficult. However, many marriages are destructive.
In case of destructive marriages (abuse, addiction and/or adultery), marriage counseling is DANGEROUS, UNWISE AND UNETIHICAL.
Ladies, you are welcome to join us at Held & Healed: Christian Women Rebuilding After Abuse.
That’s Not God: Exposing Spiritual Abuse and Calling the Broken-hearted Back to the Father’s Heart
(I have an alternate title that I hope I will be brave enough to use when the time comes to publish this as a collection, but I’m not that brave just yet.)
INTRODUCTION:
I endured spiritual abuse for nearly four decades. Long before I even knew it had a name, long before I could define spiritual narcissism, long before I knew I had worth, long before I had courage to speak against such (insert word here that may or may not be in my book title and is often abbreviated with the letters B and S).
As a teen, I watched as many of my friends walked away from church and God. They were wounded and the church treated them as lepers, talked about them behind closed doors, shunned them publicly and falsely accused them of things they did not do. This particular institution called people to confess their deepest/darkest secrets, then used that information against these vulnerable souls. I would now call this spiritual blackmail. THAT’S NOT GOD.
Mere men played the role that only God should assume and thirty years later, most of those who were abused are still carrying deep scars. Forgiveness was not sought by the leaders who wounded them. I remember sitting in one pastor’s office, begging him to seek out one who was hurt, and he just smiled at me and sent me on my way. The person I was advocating for is still one of the most heart-broken souls I know. I often wonder what might be different if that leader had confessed the heinous sin committed and sought forgiveness.
I was brainwashed and under a spell. I would now call it a cult. There were so many expectations, most were “unwritten rules.” The focus was on public appearances and the lack of care for what went on behind closed doors was unbiblical and negligent. THAT’S NOT GOD.
I once believed I was called to be a bridge back to an institution, I now understand how warped and twisted that way of thinking was. Now, I accept a much higher calling. I am here to call the broken, weary, misunderstood and condemned back to the heart of Father God.
I recently heard the story of a young woman who was sexually molested by her grandfather. After he did unmentionable things to her, he would sing “How Great Thou Art.” That song, written to declare the goodness and faithfulness of God, became a trigger that set her off and evoked emotional and physical reactions for years to come. THAT’S NOT GOD.
I am here to call out the BS that goes on in His name and invite others to consider how broken His heart is each time someone uses His name and His Word to beat up, maim, condemn or curse another human being. I stand on God’s word and His character. He is good, faithful, loving, merciful, gracious and compassionate. He alone is the reason that I am still alive. He stood with me in the fires and carried me through the floods. While many turn from Him because of the abuse suffered in His name, I was able to run into His arms for safety and refuge. I am here to testify to His goodness. I am here to extend love to all who are weary, broken-hearted, and disillusioned.
I will not be naming names of individuals or institutions. In this collection, I will be sharing anonymous stories of brave souls who have been wounded by the very ones who were supposed to protect, nurture, love and honor them. If you have a story to share, feel free to message me. I will listen and help you see how grieved God’s heart is by the abuse you have endured.
I know this topic makes many feel uncomfortable. If you are a leader and you have used your position of power to willfully wound others, you will not like this message. If you are a leader and you have unintentionally hurt others, I pray this message will encourage you to seek forgiveness from them and move toward reconciliation. No one is perfect. But, there are many who are knowingly abusing those in their care and I say, “ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.”
I pray that victims of spiritual abuse will feel validated, seen, heard and loved. That is the reason I am stepping out to begin this project. Time is short. We do not know what tomorrow holds. I am desperate to see hearts restored to the Father. I raise my voice for the ones who have been wounded in the deepest crevices of their souls. I call you back to the heart of the One who saw it all, heard it all and whose heart broke when your heart broke.
When you were abused, rejected and cast out by men and women who used His word to beat you up, THAT’S NOT GOD.
When you were sexually abused by a pastor or youth pastor, THAT’S NOT GOD.
When that abuse was hidden and covered up by other leaders in your church, THAT’S NOT GOD.
When you were told if you wanted to honor God, you would return to your adulterous and abusive spouse, THAT’S NOT GOD.
When your abuser was coddled and embraced and you were blamed for his sin, THAT’S NOT GOD.
When you were set aside because you were physically sick and not cared for by the church you served for years, THAT’S NOT GOD.
When you were overlooked for a ministry you were qualified for because you didn’t have a college degree, THAT’S NOT GOD.
When you were taught that abortion is wrong but you faced excommunication for a pregnancy before marriage, THAT’S NOT GOD.
When you were rejected by the “in crowd,” at church, THAT’S NOT GOD.
When you were judged for battling mental illness but never pointed to healing resources, THAT’S NOT GOD.
This collection may take some time to write and I thank each one who is willing to share their story to empower others. I invite you on this journey back to the heart of the perfect and loving Father. His arms are open wide.
His heart is revealed here: “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:25-28 (NIV)
If you are a Christian woman who is rebuilding your life after abuse, join us here.
INTRODUCTION:
I endured spiritual abuse for nearly four decades. Long before I even knew it had a name, long before I could define spiritual narcissism, long before I knew I had worth, long before I had courage to speak against such (insert word here that may or may not be in my book title and is often abbreviated with the letters B and S).
As a teen, I watched as many of my friends walked away from church and God. They were wounded and the church treated them as lepers, talked about them behind closed doors, shunned them publicly and falsely accused them of things they did not do. This particular institution called people to confess their deepest/darkest secrets, then used that information against these vulnerable souls. I would now call this spiritual blackmail. THAT’S NOT GOD.
Mere men played the role that only God should assume and thirty years later, most of those who were abused are still carrying deep scars. Forgiveness was not sought by the leaders who wounded them. I remember sitting in one pastor’s office, begging him to seek out one who was hurt, and he just smiled at me and sent me on my way. The person I was advocating for is still one of the most heart-broken souls I know. I often wonder what might be different if that leader had confessed the heinous sin committed and sought forgiveness.
I was brainwashed and under a spell. I would now call it a cult. There were so many expectations, most were “unwritten rules.” The focus was on public appearances and the lack of care for what went on behind closed doors was unbiblical and negligent. THAT’S NOT GOD.
I once believed I was called to be a bridge back to an institution, I now understand how warped and twisted that way of thinking was. Now, I accept a much higher calling. I am here to call the broken, weary, misunderstood and condemned back to the heart of Father God.
I recently heard the story of a young woman who was sexually molested by her grandfather. After he did unmentionable things to her, he would sing “How Great Thou Art.” That song, written to declare the goodness and faithfulness of God, became a trigger that set her off and evoked emotional and physical reactions for years to come. THAT’S NOT GOD.
I am here to call out the BS that goes on in His name and invite others to consider how broken His heart is each time someone uses His name and His Word to beat up, maim, condemn or curse another human being. I stand on God’s word and His character. He is good, faithful, loving, merciful, gracious and compassionate. He alone is the reason that I am still alive. He stood with me in the fires and carried me through the floods. While many turn from Him because of the abuse suffered in His name, I was able to run into His arms for safety and refuge. I am here to testify to His goodness. I am here to extend love to all who are weary, broken-hearted, and disillusioned.
I will not be naming names of individuals or institutions. In this collection, I will be sharing anonymous stories of brave souls who have been wounded by the very ones who were supposed to protect, nurture, love and honor them. If you have a story to share, feel free to message me. I will listen and help you see how grieved God’s heart is by the abuse you have endured.
I know this topic makes many feel uncomfortable. If you are a leader and you have used your position of power to willfully wound others, you will not like this message. If you are a leader and you have unintentionally hurt others, I pray this message will encourage you to seek forgiveness from them and move toward reconciliation. No one is perfect. But, there are many who are knowingly abusing those in their care and I say, “ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.”
I pray that victims of spiritual abuse will feel validated, seen, heard and loved. That is the reason I am stepping out to begin this project. Time is short. We do not know what tomorrow holds. I am desperate to see hearts restored to the Father. I raise my voice for the ones who have been wounded in the deepest crevices of their souls. I call you back to the heart of the One who saw it all, heard it all and whose heart broke when your heart broke.
When you were abused, rejected and cast out by men and women who used His word to beat you up, THAT’S NOT GOD.
When you were sexually abused by a pastor or youth pastor, THAT’S NOT GOD.
When that abuse was hidden and covered up by other leaders in your church, THAT’S NOT GOD.
When you were told if you wanted to honor God, you would return to your adulterous and abusive spouse, THAT’S NOT GOD.
When your abuser was coddled and embraced and you were blamed for his sin, THAT’S NOT GOD.
When you were set aside because you were physically sick and not cared for by the church you served for years, THAT’S NOT GOD.
When you were overlooked for a ministry you were qualified for because you didn’t have a college degree, THAT’S NOT GOD.
When you were taught that abortion is wrong but you faced excommunication for a pregnancy before marriage, THAT’S NOT GOD.
When you were rejected by the “in crowd,” at church, THAT’S NOT GOD.
When you were judged for battling mental illness but never pointed to healing resources, THAT’S NOT GOD.
This collection may take some time to write and I thank each one who is willing to share their story to empower others. I invite you on this journey back to the heart of the perfect and loving Father. His arms are open wide.
His heart is revealed here: “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:25-28 (NIV)
If you are a Christian woman who is rebuilding your life after abuse, join us here.
