Why I Do What I Do
I do not like debate, I do not get energized by conflict, and I do not enjoy confrontation.
 And yet, here I am.
 In the middle of a battle that is as old as the world itself.
 A battle against abuse. 
 A battle that has been raging since the Garden of Eden and one that is hot, hot, hot in 2022. 
 What baffles me and breaks me the most?
 That so many so-called “Christians” will defend abuse. 
 When an abuser is exposed, many will come to his defense and accuse his victim of slander, bitterness and unforgiveness. 
 Taking a stand against abuse within faith communities is exhausting, heartbreaking and gut-wrenching. 
 This is a marathon, not a sprint. 
 Abuse is rampant in churches, on Sunday mornings during services and all week long behind closed doors. 
 “No church is perfect” has been used for generations to cover up, minimize and excuse abuse of every kind. 
 I survived more than four decades of spiritual abuse, while enduring every other form of abuse at home. 
 I cannot…I WILL NOT…be silent.
 I once believed that I was called to be a bridge back to an institution, one that deeply wounded people that I loved and did so in the name of Jesus. 
 Now, I realize that I am called to be a bridge back to Jesus, not an institution. 
 I remember how I felt when I was still in the fire, being blamed and shamed for my abusers’ sins.
 I remember the guilt I carried for things that I didn’t even do.
 I remember the condemnation of being accused of being bitter and unforgiving when I was hurt and unsafe. 
 I remember being told that I had to return to dangerous situations, and not being told I was worthy of love, honor, respect, safety, and fidelity.
 I remember spending thousands of dollars on counseling, seminars, programs, and ladies retreats that did not have a clue how to properly assess and address abuse. 
 On days when I feel like pulling back, shutting up and closing down, I remember.
 I remember being a little girl who desperately needed someone to speak up for me.
 I remember being a young woman who longed for someone to protect me. 
 I remember being a mama of three under three who didn’t know how to juggle all the trauma while keeping my sweet babies safe. 
 I remember being a woman who did everything “they” told me to do while the abuse got worse and worse. 
 That is why I do what I do.
 There are countless other women who are still in that fire, and I will not…I CANNOT…be silent. 
 I will pace myself.
 On public forums, I may pick my battles. 
 But, in my group, surrounded by other survivors, I will speak up.
 I will expose toxic teachings that have been used to repress women for generations.
 I will ask hard questions. 
 I will offer resources to equip, empower, edify, and encourage my survivor sisters. 
 I will be offer TRUTH to those who have believed lies for far too long. 
 My commitment to my former self?
 I will be what I needed someone to be for me. 

Ladies, you are so, so, so welcome to join us on Facebook at Held & Healed: Christian Women Rebuilding After Abuse, where we are growing and healing together. 


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