(The Survivor Sister Story Series provides a place for survivors to share their stories anonymously. While it may not be safe for women to share their names, this space allows their voices to be heard and helps others who have similar experiences feel seen and validated.)
If you are experiencing domestic violence by proxy, you know a heartache like no other.
Often, kids will lash out at mama (while seeking the approval of dad) if they know her love is unconditional.
They are experiencing trauma and have no idea how to handle it.
I just read this analogy in a survivor group, and I am sharing with permission.
“An advocate I spoke with compared it to a dragon. If a dragon is present in your child's life, the safest option for your child is to align with the dragon. The safest person to "reject" is you. That doesn't mean you're a bad mom, it means that you're respecting your child's autonomy.”
Kids feel that the safest place to be is by the belly of the dragon.
One mama wrote:
“I lived this HELL for nearly three years and am so relieved to tell you that healing has started.
It’s not easy, it hurts like nothing else I’ve ever experienced.
I recently said to one of my boys, “I’m so scared I’ll lose you again.”
He looked at me, confused.
“Mom, you never lost me.”
That’s when I realized how different his perspective was from mine.
I lost him, but he didn’t lose me.
He always knew where to find mama.
He knew I was waiting for him.”
A prayer to pray over your kids:
“Father, open their eyes.
Unstop their ears.
Soften their hearts.
Unstop their ears.
Soften their hearts.
Turn them back to the Father
And to their mama.”
And to their mama.”
Ladies, you are welcome to join us at Held & Healed: Christian Women Rebuilding After Abuse where we are learning, growing, and healing together.
I share many resources about DV by proxy, as well as a host of other abuse recovery topics.
I share many resources about DV by proxy, as well as a host of other abuse recovery topics.
You are also welcome to join my monthly membership group where we discussing ways to rebuild after abuse, the Held & Healed Haven.
Are you experiencing spiritual institutional abuse?
(PLEASE NOTE: I write this to expose the realities of spiritual abuse. I lived these realities for nearly four decades and I have met thousands of others who have been abused. I write for them. Phrases like “No church is perfect” or “But there are good churches” or “Keep your eyes on God, not people,” have been staple responses used to gaslight survivors and to minimize horrific suffering. Please don’t say these things to survivors. This post is intended to COMFORT survivors. This list is going to continue growing, I am sharing some of the most common examples that I have experienced or heard about.)
What is spiritual abuse?
From “The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse” by David Johnson and Jeff VanVonderen:
“Spiritual abuse is the mistreatment of a person who is in need of help, support or greater spiritual empowerment. The result of weakening, undermining, or decreasing that person’s spiritual empowerment. Spiritual abuse can occur when a leader uses his or her spiritual position to control or dominate another person. It often involves overriding the feelings and opinions of another without regard to what will result in the other person’s state of living, emotions or spiritual well-being. Spiritual abuse can occur when spirituality is used to make others live up to a spiritual standard and, when not met, the individual is left baring a weight of guilt, judgement, or condemnation and confusion about their worth and standing as a Christian. It is at this point that we say spirituality has become abusive.”
I invite you to ask yourself some hard questions.
If you find yourself checking off several or many of these, you are most likely experiencing spiritual abuse.
* Is there a strong emphasis on authoritarianism, patriarchy, male headship, or silencing of women?
* Do you feel that you are never good enough?
* Do you feel that you need leadership’s permission or blessing to minister, or to make everyday life decisions?
* Does the leader/leadership call all the shots?
* Are you expected to be at church several times each week and to volunteer your time or do you feel guilty if you cannot be?
* Is there sin-leveling, spiritual bypassing or toxic positivity?
* Is the term “But for the grace of God go I” used to downplay gross and criminal offenses?
* Do others quote Bible verses to diminish or dismiss your pain?
* Have you been told that your sickness or suffering is due to sin in your life?
* Do leaders teach that suffering is the world is a result of “sin in their lives” but suffering “in house” is “persecution?”
* Does the institution emphasize what you are doing—or should be doing—for God rather than what He’s already done for you?
* Is there a mini sermon before the offering, which causes you to feel guilty if you do not give?
* Are your basic needs (shelter, food, medical, clothing, transportation, etc.) going unmet while you are being pressured to “tithe?”
* Is there a lack of disclosure/accountability of the institution’s finances?
* Have you expressed physical or financial needs and been ignored?
* Does the leader/leadership abuse those under their care (verbally, emotionally, physically, psychologically, mentally, sexually, spiritually, financially, etc.)?
* Does the leader/leadership tolerate abuse under their care (verbal, emotional, physical, psychological, mental, sexual, spiritual, financial, etc.)?
* Has the leader had sexual relations with someone under their care (whom they are not married to)? ** This is not simply “an affair,” it is spiritual and sexual abuse.
* Is sexual abuse swept under the rug, dealt with “in house,” and are you forbidden to go to law enforcement?
* Are sex offenders allowed inside the institution with a contract/chaperone, leaders are aware, but the general population is not?
* Have you been told that covering up abuse is protecting the reputation of the church/God?
* Do those who leave the institution get pegged as the problem, while leaders/leadership never admit to wrongdoing?
* Are you forbidden to discuss why members leave the institution?
* Is there a long list of former members/attendees who report being abused by the institution/leadership?
* Is marriage idolized over the well-being of individuals?
* Is divorce prohibited?
* Is marital rape tolerated?
* Is marriage counseling required where abuse is present?
* Is “in house” counseling allowed, while “outside” or “secular” counseling is forbidden?
* Are the things you shared in “counseling” used against you, betrayed, and gossiped about?
* Are the things you share in “counseling” used against you, to deem you “unworthy” of ministry?
* Are you expected to disclose personal, private, traumatic events to those who are not trained in abuse or trauma?
* Is mental illness referred to as demon possession?
* Does the institution teach that they are “God’s favorite,” and that all other institutions are lesser than?
* Is there a hierarchy/chain of command/inner sanctum?
* Do you have “spiritual FOMO,” worrying that if you miss a gathering, you will be “less than?”
* Are leaders viewed as “celebrities?”
* Is there a dress code, written or assumed?
* Is there a lack of tolerance for questioning/ wrestling with scriptures?
* It is assumed that the leader is always right and to question him/her is to question God?
* Is there an over emphasis on forgiveness on the part of victims, while accountability for offenders is lacking?
* Do you feel physically ill, anxious, or triggered when you go to the institution?
* Is God’s word used as weapon to beat you up?
* Are words like bitterness, forgiveness, submission, picking up offenses, giving up rights, and suffering used to shame/blame you?
* Are you allowed to be authentic or are you expected to present yourself as poised and put together?
If you checked off several or many of these, you are experiencing spiritual abuse.
The good news?
You are an adult.
You have choices.
You can walk away from an institution that is unsafe.
You can take your children and leave.
You do not have to stay one more day.
God sees all, hears all, and knows all.
You do not have to prove the abuse or corruption to Him.
He will go with you, He will protect you, He will provide for you.
Ladies, you are welcome to join us at Held & Healed: Christian Women Rebuilding After Abuse where we are learning, growing, and healing together.
You are also welcome to join my monthly membership group where we discussing ways to rebuild after abuse, the Held & Healed Haven.
Dear Christian Authors, Bloggers, Podcasters, Influencers, and Leaders,
I am writing this as a plea, and I hope and pray that you will hear the cry of my heart.
I come to you on behalf of countless women who are suffering from destructive marriages.
Abuse comes in many forms and is not just defined by broken bones and bruises.
The Duluth Power and Control Wheel is one resource that reveals other forms of abuse.
Sarah McDugal created a chart with the 13 systems of abuse patterns.
The patterns/systems of abuse include child, cultural, emotional, financial, intellectual, pets and property, psychological, sexual, social, spiritual, verbal and a core mindset of power abuse and entitlement.
My first plea is that you become familiar with the patterns and systems of abuse.
You may read more here or listen here.
Reportedly, one in three women have experienced physical and/or sexual abuse.
This number does not account for unreported cases.
This number does not account for other forms of abuse.
Based upon my personal experience and the hundreds of women that I encounter daily, my gut tells me that 50-75% of women within faith communities are experiencing multiple forms of abuse on a regular basis.
These women read your books, blogs, and social media posts.
These women listen to your podcasts and sermons.
These women have endured years, even decades, of heartbreaking, gut-wrenching, soul-crushing abuse.
Some are aware that they are being abused, and many are not yet aware.
We can no longer say, “But my message was directed at healthy couples.”
Many marriages are not healthy.
Most women who are seeking out help are not in healthy marriages and the messages they hear cause more harm.
When you speak on these topics and do not include a warning about abuse, these women feel blamed, shamed and responsible for the abuse they are enduring.
My second plea is to add a heartfelt, informed disclaimer each time you address relationships, marriage, sex, and divorce.
Please include information about consent, safety, equality, and mutuality.
Please educate yourselves and others about the patterns and systems of abuse and direct your readers and listeners to resources that will help them to be safe and well.
Please refer abuse victims to trauma-informed and abuse-informed therapists, domestic violence shelters and law enforcement agencies.
Abuse within faith communities is epidemic.
This is not a new problem, but there is a tidal wave of survivors who are stepping out and speaking up.
As one story is shared, it gives others courage to come forward.
For generations, abuse has been covered up within homes, churches, and institutions.
The tide has turned, and survivors and advocates are saying “Enough is enough.”
Will you join me and other survivors, helpers, advocates, counselors, authors, and leaders who are taking a stand against this evil?
We are unlearning and relearning, every single day.
We are realizing that many things we have believed, spoken and written have brought more harm to those who were seeking healing.
We invite you to join us as we seek ways to help and heal the masses who are showing up at our doorsteps, our computer screens and in our coaching sessions.
We now know better, so we must do better.
Ladies, join us at Held & Healed: Christian Women Rebuilding After Abuse.
The Held & Healed Podcast is a resource filled with resources and I have interviewed some powerful men and women who love God and love others and are speaking out on behalf of survivors.
Thank you for your time and consideration, I invite the opportunity to learn and grow with you.
Sincerely,
A Survivor and Advocate
I am writing this as a plea, and I hope and pray that you will hear the cry of my heart.
I come to you on behalf of countless women who are suffering from destructive marriages.
Abuse comes in many forms and is not just defined by broken bones and bruises.
The Duluth Power and Control Wheel is one resource that reveals other forms of abuse.
Sarah McDugal created a chart with the 13 systems of abuse patterns.
The patterns/systems of abuse include child, cultural, emotional, financial, intellectual, pets and property, psychological, sexual, social, spiritual, verbal and a core mindset of power abuse and entitlement.
My first plea is that you become familiar with the patterns and systems of abuse.
You may read more here or listen here.
Reportedly, one in three women have experienced physical and/or sexual abuse.
This number does not account for unreported cases.
This number does not account for other forms of abuse.
Based upon my personal experience and the hundreds of women that I encounter daily, my gut tells me that 50-75% of women within faith communities are experiencing multiple forms of abuse on a regular basis.
These women read your books, blogs, and social media posts.
These women listen to your podcasts and sermons.
These women have endured years, even decades, of heartbreaking, gut-wrenching, soul-crushing abuse.
Some are aware that they are being abused, and many are not yet aware.
We can no longer say, “But my message was directed at healthy couples.”
Many marriages are not healthy.
Most women who are seeking out help are not in healthy marriages and the messages they hear cause more harm.
When you speak on these topics and do not include a warning about abuse, these women feel blamed, shamed and responsible for the abuse they are enduring.
My second plea is to add a heartfelt, informed disclaimer each time you address relationships, marriage, sex, and divorce.
Please include information about consent, safety, equality, and mutuality.
Please educate yourselves and others about the patterns and systems of abuse and direct your readers and listeners to resources that will help them to be safe and well.
Please refer abuse victims to trauma-informed and abuse-informed therapists, domestic violence shelters and law enforcement agencies.
Abuse within faith communities is epidemic.
This is not a new problem, but there is a tidal wave of survivors who are stepping out and speaking up.
As one story is shared, it gives others courage to come forward.
For generations, abuse has been covered up within homes, churches, and institutions.
The tide has turned, and survivors and advocates are saying “Enough is enough.”
Will you join me and other survivors, helpers, advocates, counselors, authors, and leaders who are taking a stand against this evil?
We are unlearning and relearning, every single day.
We are realizing that many things we have believed, spoken and written have brought more harm to those who were seeking healing.
We invite you to join us as we seek ways to help and heal the masses who are showing up at our doorsteps, our computer screens and in our coaching sessions.
We now know better, so we must do better.
Ladies, join us at Held & Healed: Christian Women Rebuilding After Abuse.
The Held & Healed Podcast is a resource filled with resources and I have interviewed some powerful men and women who love God and love others and are speaking out on behalf of survivors.
Thank you for your time and consideration, I invite the opportunity to learn and grow with you.
Sincerely,
A Survivor and Advocate
I am moved by “The Starfish Story” (by Loren Eisley) every time I read it.
In case you are not familiar with it, here goes.
“One day a man was walking along a beach when he noticed a boy picking something up and gently throwing it into the ocean.
Approaching the boy, he asked, “What are you doing?”
The youth replied, “Throwing starfish back into the ocean. The surf is up, and the tide is going out. If I don’t throw them back, they’ll die.”
“Son, the man said, “don’t you realize there are miles and miles of beach and hundreds of starfish? You can’t make a difference!”
After listening politely, the boy bent down, picked up another starfish, and threw it back into the surf. Then, smiling at the man, he said, “I made a difference for that one.””
Every day, I find myself walking along a figurative beach.
The tide has gone out, and countless starfish are lying on the beach, wasting away.
Every day, I meet and interact with women online.
They are wasting away.
They have endured years, even decades, of abuse at home and at church.
They have no idea how beautiful, precious, and cherished they are.
Every day, I also encounter opposition.
Those who say things like, “No marriage it perfect,” “It takes two,” “She should just…”
I am here to say, “NO MORE.”
We are way past that.
There is evidence that shows us that (reportedly) one in three women are subject to physical or sexual violence by an intimate partner.
This does not account for unreported cases.
This does not account for the masses of women who are enduring horrific emotional, financial, intellectual, psychological, social, spiritual, and verbal abuse.
The days of sticking our heads in the sand and pretending this epidemic doesn’t exist are gone.
There are many voices raising awareness and we can no longer pretend that most marriages are safe and healthy.
I choose to spend my days, walking the beaches of online conversations, picking up starfish and throwing them into the water.
This epidemic is especially deadly within conservative, fundamental, evangelical church circles.
Most of the starfish I interact with have been raised in a church culture that tells them they must submit more, pray more, forgive more, and give their husbands sex more to stop the abuse and adultery.
Most of these starfish are blamed and shamed for their husbands’ sins while the men are not addressed.
Beautiful, gifted starfish are being removed from their places of ministry while their husbands are slapped on the wrists (in some situations, they are sat down for a few months, but usually they are reinstated without therapy or treatment for their addictions and behaviors).
I am crying out for more starfish throwers.
Will you join me?
Will you commit to learning about the realities of trauma and abuse, and will you pick up one starfish and throw her back into the sea?
In 2021, I earned a certification as a survivor advocate and that lit a fire in my soul.
Once the lights turned on for me, I wanted to flip every switch and bring light to other survivors.
Since that time, I have formed support groups for starfish and starfish throwers, and we are taking a stand against the evil that almost destroyed us.
We are walking along the seashore and looking for other starfish who desperately need life-giving water.
I long for every book, blog, podcast, sermon, etc. that covers topics such as relationships, marriage, divorce, and sex to include information about the patterns/systems of abuse.
I long for them to include information about consent, safely, equality, and mutuality.
When one in three women have reported being physically and/or sexually abused and countless others have not reported and/or are experiencing emotional, financial, intellectual, psychological, social, spiritual, and verbal abuse we must change the way we approach these topics.
Every week, in every church, there are women who are hearing messages that that are crushing their souls and sucking life from their lungs.
Please stop saying, “But that book was written for healthy marriages,” when it is highly likely that more women who are in destructive relationships will read the book and feel shamed, blamed, and responsible for the abuse they are enduring.
"You’re too sensitive,” is another common response when an advocate speaks up on behalf of a harmful source.
I am deeply concerned for the women who believe that if they just pray harder, put on more makeup, lose weight and cook gourmet meals their husbands will become faithful, kind and loving.
One dear starfish endured decades of abuse, serial adultery and was debilitated by chronic illness.
At the point of her deepest need, unsure if she would live or die, her abuser abandoned her.
The church chose the abuser over the victim and promoted him in leadership.
Sadly, her story is not uncommon, it is one I hear often.
I am calling out, screaming, yelling, pleading…will you be a starfish thrower?
Would you be willing to learn about abuse and trauma and how to help and not further harm the precious star fish around you?
Are you willing to ask a trauma-informed, abuse-informed survivor or advocate to help you write posts, sermons or books that will offer hope and healing, rather than bring further harm?
Are willing to remove books from your personal and church libraries that are filled with toxic teachings?
Are willing to open your heart, home, and wallet to help support women who are escaping destructive relationships?
My guess is that 50-75% of women in conservative church cultures are enduring one or many forms of abuse.
Your mother, your sister, your neighbor, your friend may be need life-saving intervention.
Will you hear her?
One of my greatest joys is connecting resources to needs.
am connected to a powerful network of star fish throwers and together we are bringing awareness, educating, equipping, and encouraging survivors.
In case you are not familiar with it, here goes.
“One day a man was walking along a beach when he noticed a boy picking something up and gently throwing it into the ocean.
Approaching the boy, he asked, “What are you doing?”
The youth replied, “Throwing starfish back into the ocean. The surf is up, and the tide is going out. If I don’t throw them back, they’ll die.”
“Son, the man said, “don’t you realize there are miles and miles of beach and hundreds of starfish? You can’t make a difference!”
After listening politely, the boy bent down, picked up another starfish, and threw it back into the surf. Then, smiling at the man, he said, “I made a difference for that one.””
Every day, I find myself walking along a figurative beach.
The tide has gone out, and countless starfish are lying on the beach, wasting away.
Every day, I meet and interact with women online.
They are wasting away.
They have endured years, even decades, of abuse at home and at church.
They have no idea how beautiful, precious, and cherished they are.
Every day, I also encounter opposition.
Those who say things like, “No marriage it perfect,” “It takes two,” “She should just…”
I am here to say, “NO MORE.”
We are way past that.
There is evidence that shows us that (reportedly) one in three women are subject to physical or sexual violence by an intimate partner.
This does not account for unreported cases.
This does not account for the masses of women who are enduring horrific emotional, financial, intellectual, psychological, social, spiritual, and verbal abuse.
The days of sticking our heads in the sand and pretending this epidemic doesn’t exist are gone.
There are many voices raising awareness and we can no longer pretend that most marriages are safe and healthy.
I choose to spend my days, walking the beaches of online conversations, picking up starfish and throwing them into the water.
This epidemic is especially deadly within conservative, fundamental, evangelical church circles.
Most of the starfish I interact with have been raised in a church culture that tells them they must submit more, pray more, forgive more, and give their husbands sex more to stop the abuse and adultery.
Most of these starfish are blamed and shamed for their husbands’ sins while the men are not addressed.
Beautiful, gifted starfish are being removed from their places of ministry while their husbands are slapped on the wrists (in some situations, they are sat down for a few months, but usually they are reinstated without therapy or treatment for their addictions and behaviors).
I am crying out for more starfish throwers.
Will you join me?
Will you commit to learning about the realities of trauma and abuse, and will you pick up one starfish and throw her back into the sea?
In 2021, I earned a certification as a survivor advocate and that lit a fire in my soul.
Once the lights turned on for me, I wanted to flip every switch and bring light to other survivors.
Since that time, I have formed support groups for starfish and starfish throwers, and we are taking a stand against the evil that almost destroyed us.
We are walking along the seashore and looking for other starfish who desperately need life-giving water.
I long for every book, blog, podcast, sermon, etc. that covers topics such as relationships, marriage, divorce, and sex to include information about the patterns/systems of abuse.
I long for them to include information about consent, safely, equality, and mutuality.
When one in three women have reported being physically and/or sexually abused and countless others have not reported and/or are experiencing emotional, financial, intellectual, psychological, social, spiritual, and verbal abuse we must change the way we approach these topics.
Every week, in every church, there are women who are hearing messages that that are crushing their souls and sucking life from their lungs.
Please stop saying, “But that book was written for healthy marriages,” when it is highly likely that more women who are in destructive relationships will read the book and feel shamed, blamed, and responsible for the abuse they are enduring.
"You’re too sensitive,” is another common response when an advocate speaks up on behalf of a harmful source.
I am deeply concerned for the women who believe that if they just pray harder, put on more makeup, lose weight and cook gourmet meals their husbands will become faithful, kind and loving.
One dear starfish endured decades of abuse, serial adultery and was debilitated by chronic illness.
At the point of her deepest need, unsure if she would live or die, her abuser abandoned her.
The church chose the abuser over the victim and promoted him in leadership.
Sadly, her story is not uncommon, it is one I hear often.
I am calling out, screaming, yelling, pleading…will you be a starfish thrower?
Would you be willing to learn about abuse and trauma and how to help and not further harm the precious star fish around you?
Are you willing to ask a trauma-informed, abuse-informed survivor or advocate to help you write posts, sermons or books that will offer hope and healing, rather than bring further harm?
Are willing to remove books from your personal and church libraries that are filled with toxic teachings?
Are willing to open your heart, home, and wallet to help support women who are escaping destructive relationships?
My guess is that 50-75% of women in conservative church cultures are enduring one or many forms of abuse.
Your mother, your sister, your neighbor, your friend may be need life-saving intervention.
Will you hear her?
One of my greatest joys is connecting resources to needs.
am connected to a powerful network of star fish throwers and together we are bringing awareness, educating, equipping, and encouraging survivors.
Will you join us?
Ladies, you are welcome to join us at Held & Healed: Christian Women Rebuilding After Abuse.
Survivors, helpers, and leaders, join us at the Safer Spaces Summit where we will share statistics, survivor stories, and offer solutions for addressing abuse within faith communities.
Dear Friend,
I know that you are weary and worn.
You have tried and tried.
You have done everything that your friends, family, and church has told you to do.
You’ve forgiven, submitted, prayed, served, cried, and waited.
There may be moments or teasers of change, but underneath it all, you know his heart is the same.
He is one person in public and another person in private.
He charms others, and yet the words he uses with you cut like a knife.
He serves others with a smile but when you ask for his help with the house or the kids, the look he shoots you sends shivers up your spine.
Regardless of how he treats you, he still expects you to be available to him whenever he wants to have sex.
You know there will be hell to pay if you do not give in, so you lay there and take it.
You feel your spirit fade a little more each time he treats you like a prostitute.
You know he’s addicted to porn, and you feel that his addiction is somehow you fault and your responsibility to fix.
He’s known in the community as a stand-up guy.
His co-workers like him.
The neighbors like him.
Your family would pick him over you any day.
Other women tell you how lucky you are to have him as your husband, one even told you that she “adores” him.
The pastor is his best bud.
He holds a position of leadership in the church, and you feel sick every time he steps up to the podium or straps on his guitar to lead worship.
You’ve gone to the church leaders for help, and they end up siding with him.
Somehow, according to them, his abuse and adultery are your fault.
You need to forgive more.
You need to pray more.
You need to submit more.
You need to nag less.
You need to give him more sex.
Dear one, I am here to say that none of this is your fault and none of those things will change him.
You are beautiful, brave, strong, and kind.
God loves you and He wants you to be safe and well.
God loves you, a person, more than He loves your marriage (an institution).
Abuse is so much more than broken bones and bruises (there are thirteen different patters/systems of abuse and they are all vile in God’s eyes).
If you are in an abusive marriage, marriage counseling is unwise, unsafe and unethical.
God sees all, hears all and knows all.
You do not have to prove to Him that you have been abused.
You are worthy of love, safety, honor, respect, and fidelity.
You story matters.
We invite you to join our community at Held & Healed: Christian Women Rebuilding After Abuse.
If you are ready to dive deeper and explore the truths shared here, along with many others, I invite you to join our next session of Twelve Truths Groups Coaching.
Learn more here.
You are not alone.
We see you.
We hear you.
We believe you.
