Systems/Patterns of Abuse
For more information about the systems of abuse, I recommend the book Safe Churches, written by Sarah McDugal, Jennifer Jill Schwirzer and Nicole Parker. In this post I am going to share several examples of each form of abuse (these come straight from the book). This is by no means an exhaustive list but is intended to help bring clarity to those who are living with an abusive person and/or to help those who know someone who is living with an abusive person.
From Safe Churches (page 66): “Sarah McDugal has documented 12 fundamental patterns of abuse, which all revolve around a thirteenth pattern: the core attitude of entitlement and the right to take power over another person.
Before we delve deeper, it is important to acknowledge that every human alive has capacity to be abusive, given the right circumstances. If we define abuse purely as a single action or one discrete occurrence of a behavior, then every time you behave badly, you could be labeled an abuser. That isn’t how abuse is defined. People don’t automatically become abusers every time they feel self-centered or act impatient.
Rather, as we discuss later in this chapter, abuse is defined as a system or power of behaviors in which someone with greater power uses their advantage to exploit or cause harm to someone with lesser power. When a system of persistent power exploitation exists, you are now dealing with an abuser.”
These systems are explained on pages 68-77 of Safe Churches. I encourage you to buy a copy of this book as soon as you are able and share it with other Christians that you know. For shareable infographics on patterns of abuse, visit Sarah's website.
1. Child Abuse may include:
Threatens to harm children
Doesn’t pay child support
Belittles you in front of kids
Leverages kids to keep you silent
Abuses other people’s children
Scares or hurts you in front of kids
2. Cultural Abuse
Mistreats you and blames it on culture
Demeans your heritage
Forces you to embrace their culture
Isolates you from mainstream culture
Uses expectations or shame to keep you silent
Isolates you through language barriers
Insults your family culture as inferior to theirs
3. Emotional Abuse
Invalidates your perception of reality
Insults you then says, “I’m joking!”
Denies affection, goes silent
Manipulates you with false guilt
Flips arguments back on you
Acts possessive (calls it protective}
Vacillates—creates relationship rollercoaster
Blames you for things that aren’t your fault
Refuses to take responsibility for what they did
Says “sorry” and promises to change, but doesn’t
Withholds nonsexual affection
4. Financial Abuse
Limits your money
Refuses to share accounts
Tracks every penny you spend
Spends impulsively, incurs debts
Interferes with welfare or state aid
Makes all financial decisions
Lies about money, time, activities
5. Intellectual Abuse
Demands perfection
Insists on proof of your right to opinions
Dumbs you down
Intimidated by your mind
Attacks your ideas, devalues your convictions
Refuses to allow you to disagree
Manipulates information flow
Invalidates others if they point out abusive behaviors
Judges others for small mistakes but gives self grace for moral failures or rule-breaking
6. Pets and Property Abuse
Confiscates your keys/ID/Driver’s License
Damages your car, refuses to keep it maintained
Trashes your favorite things, says it was accidental
Harms your pets, gives them away
Punches walls, slams doors
Controls your access to electronics
Threatens to do any of the above
7. Physical Abuse
Drives recklessly, road rage
Disturbs your sleep
Chokes, restrains, controls breath
Blocks exits, won’t let you leave
Prevents you from getting medical care
Throws things, uses items other than hands to cause you pain or fear
Slap/hit/kick/punch/bite/pinch/spit
Locks you out of the house, makes you sleep outside
Doesn’t control own strength when being playful, is indifferent to pain caused
Postures aggressively to intimidate you
8. Psychological Abuse
Gaslights you—says or does things, denies it later
Terrorizes you—then acts like it never happened
Controls minute aspects of your life—food, fun, friends, etc.
Projects responsibility for addictions on to you or others
Claims you misunderstood when you quote back their threats
Displaying weapons as a way to keep you afraid
Convinces you they know better than you do
Controls your access to food, freedom to eat
Tells bold or white lies
Reverses questions to make you feel paranoid
Demonstrates lack of empathy
Can’t discern your emotions accurately
Threatens to hurt or kill themselves or others
9. Sexual Abuse
Forces or withholds sex
Criticizes your body or sexuality
Demands sex as payment
Uses pornography or makes you use porn
Has affairs or threatens to cheat
Pays for sexual services from others
Shares sexual fantasies about others/your friends
Lacks intimacy and connection
Sexually abuses or molests others
10. Social Abuse
Monitors your communication (phone, email, text)
Tracks your social media
Monitors your milage
Discourages your friendships
Dictates freedom for education/employment
Obsesses on body image an appearance
Limits equal social access
Expects others to keep secrets, maintains glossy public image regardless of reality
Keeps you at home
11. Spiritual Abuse
Twists Scripture to avoid accountability
Uses beliefs to gain advantage
Leverages spiritual leaders against you
Silences you with Bible verses
Puts down your convictions or beliefs
Isolates you from your faith community
Dictates your access to counseling/mentorship
Believes you need them to teach you about God
Soul-destroying behaviors
12. Verbal Abuse
Tells you how to do everything
Cuts you off in conversation
Puts you down
Forbids you from talking to others about issues
Shames, silences, or insults you
Ridicules your appearance, abilities, etc.
Jokes condescendingly toward others
Intimidated you with words or tone
Yells/screams/swears/calls you names
Demands that you keep secrets
13. Core Mindset of Power Abuse and Entitlement
Creates chaos—gains control by turning people against each other
Credit hog—takes others ideas, doesn’t share glory
Delusions of grandeur—believes they’re smarter/wiser/stronger/more powerful than reality
Dictates belief system for everyone in the household
Entitled—acts as if others should give way to their preferences, or take care of their needs
Supremacist—looks down on culture, color, gander, age, status, thinks own identity is superior
Obsesses with “respect”—may get aggressive to peers/children/elderly who act with perceived disrespect
Fixated on appearances—expects other to keep secrets, maintain glossy public image regardless of reality
This list is not exhaustive, but it is certainty a tool that will turn the light on for many. As I typed this, I had a few additional thoughts. Remember, this is describing patterns of abuse. Every single person is capable of hurting others. But, when a normal, healthy person hurts another person and realizes the damage that was caused, they want to make things right. An apology and changed behavior go a long way in these situations.
Also, if your husband has had an affair and/or is a porn addict and you ask to see his devices or hold him to account, that does not make you an abusive wife. If you do not feel safe being sexually intimate with your husband for the same reasons, that does not make you abusive. You are experiencing trauma from sexual betrayal and I advise you to seek the counsel of a trauma informed therapist who specializes in this area.
If this post gave you clarity that you did not have before, I encourage you to take deep, cleansing breaths and do not panic. You are not alone. There are countless women who have experienced many of these forms of abuse. There are amazing survivors, advocates and therapists who are rising up to speak truth and to walk with you from darkness into light. Join us on Facebook at Held & Healed: Christian Women Rebuilding After Abuse. I have organized hundreds of healing resources for you into guides so that you can search out the topics that most affect you and begin learning, healing, and growing.
If you are a woman who loves other women who are walking this road, please join us at Held & Healed. If you are man and/or a pastor who genuinely cares about these women and wants to learn how to help and not further hurt, feel free to contact me through my website, HeatherElizabeth.org. There are several ministries that I can recommend who have created training tools to help ministry leaders make churches safe for survivors.
Abuse is rampant in the faith community. These systems described in this post are in place in more church homes than not. We must not ignore this epidemic any longer. It is not going away until we begin to take a stand for truth, righteousness, and justice. Jesus came to set the prisoners free. If we are His followers, that is our call too.
For more information about the systems of abuse, I recommend the book Safe Churches, written by Sarah McDugal, Jennifer Jill Schwirzer and Nicole Parker. In this post I am going to share several examples of each form of abuse (these come straight from the book). This is by no means an exhaustive list but is intended to help bring clarity to those who are living with an abusive person and/or to help those who know someone who is living with an abusive person.
From Safe Churches (page 66): “Sarah McDugal has documented 12 fundamental patterns of abuse, which all revolve around a thirteenth pattern: the core attitude of entitlement and the right to take power over another person.
Before we delve deeper, it is important to acknowledge that every human alive has capacity to be abusive, given the right circumstances. If we define abuse purely as a single action or one discrete occurrence of a behavior, then every time you behave badly, you could be labeled an abuser. That isn’t how abuse is defined. People don’t automatically become abusers every time they feel self-centered or act impatient.
Rather, as we discuss later in this chapter, abuse is defined as a system or power of behaviors in which someone with greater power uses their advantage to exploit or cause harm to someone with lesser power. When a system of persistent power exploitation exists, you are now dealing with an abuser.”
These systems are explained on pages 68-77 of Safe Churches. I encourage you to buy a copy of this book as soon as you are able and share it with other Christians that you know. For shareable infographics on patterns of abuse, visit Sarah's website.
1. Child Abuse may include:
Threatens to harm children
Doesn’t pay child support
Belittles you in front of kids
Leverages kids to keep you silent
Abuses other people’s children
Scares or hurts you in front of kids
2. Cultural Abuse
Mistreats you and blames it on culture
Demeans your heritage
Forces you to embrace their culture
Isolates you from mainstream culture
Uses expectations or shame to keep you silent
Isolates you through language barriers
Insults your family culture as inferior to theirs
3. Emotional Abuse
Invalidates your perception of reality
Insults you then says, “I’m joking!”
Denies affection, goes silent
Manipulates you with false guilt
Flips arguments back on you
Acts possessive (calls it protective}
Vacillates—creates relationship rollercoaster
Blames you for things that aren’t your fault
Refuses to take responsibility for what they did
Says “sorry” and promises to change, but doesn’t
Withholds nonsexual affection
4. Financial Abuse
Limits your money
Refuses to share accounts
Tracks every penny you spend
Spends impulsively, incurs debts
Interferes with welfare or state aid
Makes all financial decisions
Lies about money, time, activities
5. Intellectual Abuse
Demands perfection
Insists on proof of your right to opinions
Dumbs you down
Intimidated by your mind
Attacks your ideas, devalues your convictions
Refuses to allow you to disagree
Manipulates information flow
Invalidates others if they point out abusive behaviors
Judges others for small mistakes but gives self grace for moral failures or rule-breaking
6. Pets and Property Abuse
Confiscates your keys/ID/Driver’s License
Damages your car, refuses to keep it maintained
Trashes your favorite things, says it was accidental
Harms your pets, gives them away
Punches walls, slams doors
Controls your access to electronics
Threatens to do any of the above
7. Physical Abuse
Drives recklessly, road rage
Disturbs your sleep
Chokes, restrains, controls breath
Blocks exits, won’t let you leave
Prevents you from getting medical care
Throws things, uses items other than hands to cause you pain or fear
Slap/hit/kick/punch/bite/pinch/spit
Locks you out of the house, makes you sleep outside
Doesn’t control own strength when being playful, is indifferent to pain caused
Postures aggressively to intimidate you
8. Psychological Abuse
Gaslights you—says or does things, denies it later
Terrorizes you—then acts like it never happened
Controls minute aspects of your life—food, fun, friends, etc.
Projects responsibility for addictions on to you or others
Claims you misunderstood when you quote back their threats
Displaying weapons as a way to keep you afraid
Convinces you they know better than you do
Controls your access to food, freedom to eat
Tells bold or white lies
Reverses questions to make you feel paranoid
Demonstrates lack of empathy
Can’t discern your emotions accurately
Threatens to hurt or kill themselves or others
9. Sexual Abuse
Forces or withholds sex
Criticizes your body or sexuality
Demands sex as payment
Uses pornography or makes you use porn
Has affairs or threatens to cheat
Pays for sexual services from others
Shares sexual fantasies about others/your friends
Lacks intimacy and connection
Sexually abuses or molests others
10. Social Abuse
Monitors your communication (phone, email, text)
Tracks your social media
Monitors your milage
Discourages your friendships
Dictates freedom for education/employment
Obsesses on body image an appearance
Limits equal social access
Expects others to keep secrets, maintains glossy public image regardless of reality
Keeps you at home
11. Spiritual Abuse
Twists Scripture to avoid accountability
Uses beliefs to gain advantage
Leverages spiritual leaders against you
Silences you with Bible verses
Puts down your convictions or beliefs
Isolates you from your faith community
Dictates your access to counseling/mentorship
Believes you need them to teach you about God
Soul-destroying behaviors
12. Verbal Abuse
Tells you how to do everything
Cuts you off in conversation
Puts you down
Forbids you from talking to others about issues
Shames, silences, or insults you
Ridicules your appearance, abilities, etc.
Jokes condescendingly toward others
Intimidated you with words or tone
Yells/screams/swears/calls you names
Demands that you keep secrets
13. Core Mindset of Power Abuse and Entitlement
Creates chaos—gains control by turning people against each other
Credit hog—takes others ideas, doesn’t share glory
Delusions of grandeur—believes they’re smarter/wiser/stronger/more powerful than reality
Dictates belief system for everyone in the household
Entitled—acts as if others should give way to their preferences, or take care of their needs
Supremacist—looks down on culture, color, gander, age, status, thinks own identity is superior
Obsesses with “respect”—may get aggressive to peers/children/elderly who act with perceived disrespect
Fixated on appearances—expects other to keep secrets, maintain glossy public image regardless of reality
This list is not exhaustive, but it is certainty a tool that will turn the light on for many. As I typed this, I had a few additional thoughts. Remember, this is describing patterns of abuse. Every single person is capable of hurting others. But, when a normal, healthy person hurts another person and realizes the damage that was caused, they want to make things right. An apology and changed behavior go a long way in these situations.
Also, if your husband has had an affair and/or is a porn addict and you ask to see his devices or hold him to account, that does not make you an abusive wife. If you do not feel safe being sexually intimate with your husband for the same reasons, that does not make you abusive. You are experiencing trauma from sexual betrayal and I advise you to seek the counsel of a trauma informed therapist who specializes in this area.
If this post gave you clarity that you did not have before, I encourage you to take deep, cleansing breaths and do not panic. You are not alone. There are countless women who have experienced many of these forms of abuse. There are amazing survivors, advocates and therapists who are rising up to speak truth and to walk with you from darkness into light. Join us on Facebook at Held & Healed: Christian Women Rebuilding After Abuse. I have organized hundreds of healing resources for you into guides so that you can search out the topics that most affect you and begin learning, healing, and growing.
If you are a woman who loves other women who are walking this road, please join us at Held & Healed. If you are man and/or a pastor who genuinely cares about these women and wants to learn how to help and not further hurt, feel free to contact me through my website, HeatherElizabeth.org. There are several ministries that I can recommend who have created training tools to help ministry leaders make churches safe for survivors.
Abuse is rampant in the faith community. These systems described in this post are in place in more church homes than not. We must not ignore this epidemic any longer. It is not going away until we begin to take a stand for truth, righteousness, and justice. Jesus came to set the prisoners free. If we are His followers, that is our call too.
Dear Friend, I’m so sorry the nightmares are back.
You called me to unload and my heart is breaking for you.
You found out that your ex is helping to lead worship at yet another church, one of the largest ones in your community.
He never stopped leading worship, during all the years he was lying to you, cheating on you, abusing you and neglecting you.
The church turned a blind eye to adultery, addiction and abuse then.
It continues to do so now.
In your dream, you met yet another one of his mistresses.
She sat on the front row in church while he stood on the platform.
When you confronted her, she simply made a joke.
When you confronted him, he ignored you and walked away.
When you confronted your own family members who still coddled him, they stared at you blankly.
In your dream, you were walking toward the pastor to warn him.
But you woke up.
Just like the nightmares you’ve had where you are falling, falling, falling and you wake up just before you hit the ground and die.
You don’t know how the dream ends, but I can predict it.
You walk up to the pastor, you tell him that your ex isn’t a godly man and he should not hold a position of leadership in any church.
You tell him about serial adultery, sex addiction, and abuse of every kind.
The pastor also stares at you blankly.
So, you walk away.
My friend, you cannot convince anyone of anything.
They see what they want to see, a man who is charming and witty and can make their worship team sound a little bit better.
You called me to unload and my heart is breaking for you.
You found out that your ex is helping to lead worship at yet another church, one of the largest ones in your community.
He never stopped leading worship, during all the years he was lying to you, cheating on you, abusing you and neglecting you.
The church turned a blind eye to adultery, addiction and abuse then.
It continues to do so now.
In your dream, you met yet another one of his mistresses.
She sat on the front row in church while he stood on the platform.
When you confronted her, she simply made a joke.
When you confronted him, he ignored you and walked away.
When you confronted your own family members who still coddled him, they stared at you blankly.
In your dream, you were walking toward the pastor to warn him.
But you woke up.
Just like the nightmares you’ve had where you are falling, falling, falling and you wake up just before you hit the ground and die.
You don’t know how the dream ends, but I can predict it.
You walk up to the pastor, you tell him that your ex isn’t a godly man and he should not hold a position of leadership in any church.
You tell him about serial adultery, sex addiction, and abuse of every kind.
The pastor also stares at you blankly.
So, you walk away.
My friend, you cannot convince anyone of anything.
They see what they want to see, a man who is charming and witty and can make their worship team sound a little bit better.
You will be deemed the bitter ex-wife.
I encourage you to stop trying to get them to see truth they don’t want to see.
Instead, pour that energy and focus into speaking truth over yourself.
“I am worthy of love, honor and respect.”
“It is not my fault that he lied, cheated and abused me."
“His actions are reflections of his character, not mine.”
“My God sees all, hears all, knows all. What He knows about me matters more than what others think of me.”
“I do not need a church’s validation to be whole.”
Hold your head high and dig deep into your healing.
The One who sees all, hears all and knows all has got your back and He is moving mountains on your behalf.
He is raising up an army of survivors who have fought similar battles.
You are not alone.
Tell the nightmares, the flashbacks, and the triggers to go back to hell where they came from.
Book a session with a therapist who understands domestic violence and trauma.
You are victorious.
And, join us at Held & Healed: Christian Women Rebuilding After Abuse.
We are learning, growing and healing together.
Dear Friend,
His abuse, adultery and addictions are not your fault.
You are processing a level of betrayal that no human being should ever have to process.
While you were carrying his baby, he was at work having an affair with a co-worker
While you were in the hospital, just hours after giving birth, he was at a hotel hooking up with the “flavor of the month.”
While you were stretching fifty dollars a week for the family groceries, he was out wining and dining friends and creating thousands of dollars of debt you knew nothing about.
While you were praying, submitting, and being sexually available to keep him from straying, he was straying.
While you were alone and weeping, he was making people laugh with inappropriate humor, always the life of the party.
While you were encouraging and edifying him every chance you got, he berated you and stripped you down to a worthless pile on the floor.
While you were crying out for mercy, he mocked your pain.
NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT.
He cheats because he is a cheater.
He lies because he is a liar.
He abuses because he is an abuser.
NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT.
YOU DESERVE TO BE LOVED, HONORED, CHERISHED AND SAFE.
Sweet friend, if any of this describes your reality, I want you to know that you are not alone.
We have a community of women who truly get it.
Join us on Facebook at Held & Healed: Christian Women Rebuilding After Abuse.
We are growing and healing together.
Followers of Christ,
Do we believe He is still on the throne?
Do we believe He knew all of our current
realities would be, long before we knew them?
Do we believe that He has given us ALL that we need to STAND?
Do we believe His grace is sufficient?
Do we believe He sees all, hears all, knows all?
Do we believe that righteousness and justice are the foundation of His throne?
Do we believe that nothing matters more than loving Him and loving others?
Do we believe that there is a battle raging and we are on the WINNING side?
Do we believe that He hears our prayers and that they are powerful weapons against forces of evil?
Do we believe that nothing we go through on this earth will compare to the glory that waits for us in heaven?
We must stop fighting each other and turn on the real enemy...his plan has always been to separate us from God, to steal, kill and destroy us.
There is a world full of hurting, broken, bleeding people.
Do we believe He is still on the throne?
Do we believe He knew all of our current
realities would be, long before we knew them?
Do we believe that He has given us ALL that we need to STAND?
Do we believe His grace is sufficient?
Do we believe He sees all, hears all, knows all?
Do we believe that righteousness and justice are the foundation of His throne?
Do we believe that nothing matters more than loving Him and loving others?
Do we believe that there is a battle raging and we are on the WINNING side?
Do we believe that He hears our prayers and that they are powerful weapons against forces of evil?
Do we believe that nothing we go through on this earth will compare to the glory that waits for us in heaven?
We must stop fighting each other and turn on the real enemy...his plan has always been to separate us from God, to steal, kill and destroy us.
There is a world full of hurting, broken, bleeding people.
There are babies and children who are being tortured, mutilated, raped and murdered every day.
They need us to care, to pray, to fight, to stand up for them.
Brace yourselves.
Things will be revealed and we will not be able to say, “I had no idea...”
It’s time to rise up, unite and say, “Not on my watch.”
Enough is enough.
(Written June 6, 2020)
“Hurting people hurt people.”
Many of us have said it.
Many of us believe it.
But, this statement can blame/shame/guilt a victim while excusing an abuser’s behaviors.
Many were abused as children, but did not abuse their children.
Many were cheated on, but didn’t cheat.
Many were verbally abused, but didn’t verbally abuse.
It’s possible to break the cycle.
And, because we were hurt so deeply, we do not want to hurt another human being the way we were hurt.
Author and advocate Rebecca Davis stated: “One problem with "hurting people hurt people," as you indicated, is that it's used as a blanket statement that always applies. It doesn't. As you said, some people DO break the cycle, even while they're still hurting. For many, they are incredibly compassionate with others, even while still beating the living daylights out of themselves.
Another problem with "hurting people hurt people" is that it implies that the only reason people hurt others is that they themselves are hurting. No, there are other reasons for hurting the vulnerable. I guess the biggest one is that some people make intentional choices--that is, they WANT to hurt.
So for those two reasons alone, I believe that statement needs to be retired. Instead, we could perhaps say something less catchy but more true, like "Sometimes the pain that abuse survivors feel can come out in destructive ways, even when they don't want it to."
I’m here to learn. To know better. To do better.
While I realize it is impossible to please everyone all the time, I do believe we have a responsibility to help caring people understand which words help and which words hurt. There are many who really want to get it right.
Many of us have said it.
Many of us believe it.
But, this statement can blame/shame/guilt a victim while excusing an abuser’s behaviors.
Many were abused as children, but did not abuse their children.
Many were cheated on, but didn’t cheat.
Many were verbally abused, but didn’t verbally abuse.
It’s possible to break the cycle.
And, because we were hurt so deeply, we do not want to hurt another human being the way we were hurt.
Author and advocate Rebecca Davis stated: “One problem with "hurting people hurt people," as you indicated, is that it's used as a blanket statement that always applies. It doesn't. As you said, some people DO break the cycle, even while they're still hurting. For many, they are incredibly compassionate with others, even while still beating the living daylights out of themselves.
Another problem with "hurting people hurt people" is that it implies that the only reason people hurt others is that they themselves are hurting. No, there are other reasons for hurting the vulnerable. I guess the biggest one is that some people make intentional choices--that is, they WANT to hurt.
So for those two reasons alone, I believe that statement needs to be retired. Instead, we could perhaps say something less catchy but more true, like "Sometimes the pain that abuse survivors feel can come out in destructive ways, even when they don't want it to."
I’m here to learn. To know better. To do better.
While I realize it is impossible to please everyone all the time, I do believe we have a responsibility to help caring people understand which words help and which words hurt. There are many who really want to get it right.
