“Hurting people hurt people.”
Many of us have said it.
Many of us believe it.
But, this statement can blame/shame/guilt a victim while excusing an abuser’s behaviors.
Many were abused as children, but did not abuse their children.
Many were cheated on, but didn’t cheat.
Many were verbally abused, but didn’t verbally abuse.
It’s possible to break the cycle.
And, because we were hurt so deeply, we do not want to hurt another human being the way we were hurt.
Author and advocate Rebecca Davis stated: “One problem with "hurting people hurt people," as you indicated, is that it's used as a blanket statement that always applies. It doesn't. As you said, some people DO break the cycle, even while they're still hurting. For many, they are incredibly compassionate with others, even while still beating the living daylights out of themselves.
Another problem with "hurting people hurt people" is that it implies that the only reason people hurt others is that they themselves are hurting. No, there are other reasons for hurting the vulnerable. I guess the biggest one is that some people make intentional choices--that is, they WANT to hurt.
So for those two reasons alone, I believe that statement needs to be retired. Instead, we could perhaps say something less catchy but more true, like "Sometimes the pain that abuse survivors feel can come out in destructive ways, even when they don't want it to."
I’m here to learn. To know better. To do better.
While I realize it is impossible to please everyone all the time, I do believe we have a responsibility to help caring people understand which words help and which words hurt. There are many who really want to get it right.
Many of us have said it.
Many of us believe it.
But, this statement can blame/shame/guilt a victim while excusing an abuser’s behaviors.
Many were abused as children, but did not abuse their children.
Many were cheated on, but didn’t cheat.
Many were verbally abused, but didn’t verbally abuse.
It’s possible to break the cycle.
And, because we were hurt so deeply, we do not want to hurt another human being the way we were hurt.
Author and advocate Rebecca Davis stated: “One problem with "hurting people hurt people," as you indicated, is that it's used as a blanket statement that always applies. It doesn't. As you said, some people DO break the cycle, even while they're still hurting. For many, they are incredibly compassionate with others, even while still beating the living daylights out of themselves.
Another problem with "hurting people hurt people" is that it implies that the only reason people hurt others is that they themselves are hurting. No, there are other reasons for hurting the vulnerable. I guess the biggest one is that some people make intentional choices--that is, they WANT to hurt.
So for those two reasons alone, I believe that statement needs to be retired. Instead, we could perhaps say something less catchy but more true, like "Sometimes the pain that abuse survivors feel can come out in destructive ways, even when they don't want it to."
I’m here to learn. To know better. To do better.
While I realize it is impossible to please everyone all the time, I do believe we have a responsibility to help caring people understand which words help and which words hurt. There are many who really want to get it right.
“I haven’t met a lady here who isn’t kind.”
This was a comment made by a sweet soul sister I met on Sunday morning, at the close of the Called to Peace Ministries He Makes All Things New Retreat.
Such profound truth.
For years, even decades, we were told that we were the problem.
We were mistreated, dishonored, abused, shamed and blamed.
But, the truth is that abusers choose victims because of their strengths, not their weaknesses.
Many of are servers.
Helpers.
Rescuers.
Healers.
Nurturers.
We are forgiving, empathetic, long-suffering, self-sacrificing, optimistic, compassionate, creative and resourceful.
Always hoping and waiting and praying.
Almost to the point of death.
I am so thankful for TRUTH.
TRUTH sets us FREE.
We are beloved.
Cherished.
Honored.
Chosen.
Wanted.
Anointed.
Equipped.
Empowered.
Enabled.
We are a mighty army, rising up.
This was a comment made by a sweet soul sister I met on Sunday morning, at the close of the Called to Peace Ministries He Makes All Things New Retreat.
Such profound truth.
For years, even decades, we were told that we were the problem.
We were mistreated, dishonored, abused, shamed and blamed.
But, the truth is that abusers choose victims because of their strengths, not their weaknesses.
Many of are servers.
Helpers.
Rescuers.
Healers.
Nurturers.
We are forgiving, empathetic, long-suffering, self-sacrificing, optimistic, compassionate, creative and resourceful.
Always hoping and waiting and praying.
Almost to the point of death.
I am so thankful for TRUTH.
TRUTH sets us FREE.
We are beloved.
Cherished.
Honored.
Chosen.
Wanted.
Anointed.
Equipped.
Empowered.
Enabled.
We are a mighty army, rising up.
We’ve come through the fire and we will keep carrying back buckets for those who are still engulfed in the flames.
If you are a woman who is rebuilding your life after abuse, join us on Facebook at Held & Healed. Our community is growing and we are getting ready to start a book club and planning our first annual retreat.
I was waiting for the twins to be born, caring for a toddler, and I was so scared. How was I going to care for three under three, two newborns and a toddler?
Three in diapers.
Three in car seats.
Three that would need me 24/7.
I was sharing my concerns with someone I then saw as a mentor. Her response?
“Heather, this is yours to figure out.”
I hope my face did not reveal the shock I felt inside. I shut down, became more guarded, and resigned myself to the idea that help was not coming and that I needed to do this alone.
I soon discovered that having three babies to care for was the easy part of my life. All hell broke loose six months later and I’ve been fighting for my family since...those babies kept me going when I would have rather given up.
And, I prayed I would NEVER forget to see young mamas.
Tired mamas.
Depressed mamas.
Lonely mamas.
Warrior mamas fighting secret battles.
I encourage you to LOOK!
SEE!
Some mama needs a kind word or deed, a night of free babysitting, a meal, free house cleaning, etc. If we all do a little, it will be enough!
And, mamas...ask for help when you need it and accept it when it is offered.
Three in diapers.
Three in car seats.
Three that would need me 24/7.
I was sharing my concerns with someone I then saw as a mentor. Her response?
“Heather, this is yours to figure out.”
I hope my face did not reveal the shock I felt inside. I shut down, became more guarded, and resigned myself to the idea that help was not coming and that I needed to do this alone.
I soon discovered that having three babies to care for was the easy part of my life. All hell broke loose six months later and I’ve been fighting for my family since...those babies kept me going when I would have rather given up.
And, I prayed I would NEVER forget to see young mamas.
Tired mamas.
Depressed mamas.
Lonely mamas.
Warrior mamas fighting secret battles.
I encourage you to LOOK!
SEE!
Some mama needs a kind word or deed, a night of free babysitting, a meal, free house cleaning, etc. If we all do a little, it will be enough!
And, mamas...ask for help when you need it and accept it when it is offered.
(Disclaimer: In my previous post, I shared about surviving decades of spiritual abuse in a variety of churches and denominations. This is my story, and my story is quite common. So many have been deeply wounded by religious institutions and I speak up to help distinguish between the abusive behaviors of man and the loving heart of Father God. If you want to read more of my story, I go in to more details here.)
A year ago, I made a life-changing decision.
I left church to follow Jesus.
I left religion to pursue relationship.
I left spiritual narcissism to find freedom.
I left patriarchy to rest in my Father’s arms.
I left misogyny to find my value as a woman.
I left exhaustion to experience rest.
I left confusion to bask in clarity.
I left chaos to breathe in peace.
I left darkness to walk in joy.
Matthew 18:20 says, “For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there I am in the midst of them.”
I have been blessed by some precious “two or more” gatherings in the past year that have been intimate, powerful and anointed.
I am intentional about meeting face to face with others who love God and who have the fruit of the Spirit evident in their lives.
We meet, we talk, we discuss scriptures, we eat, we share a cup of tea, we pray, we laugh, we cry.
These gatherings remind me of Acts 2:42-45. “And they continued steadfastly in the apostles’ doctrine and fellowship, in the breaking of bread, and in prayers. Then fear came upon every soul, and many wonders and signs were done through the apostles. Now all who believed were brought together, and had all things in common, and sold their possessions and goods, and divided them among all, as anyone had need.”
If you have experienced abuse, ridicule, shame, blame, or judgement from a religious institution, I am so sorry.
I assure you, that’s not God.
If you are a Christian woman rebuilding your life after abuse, join our community here, where I have organized hundreds of resources to help you on your healing journey.
I left church to follow Jesus.
I know this statement will make some people extremely uncomfortable.
But church represents trauma, pain, abuse, misogyny, and patriarchy to me.
At this point in my journey, this is what I must do to heal.
A year ago, I made a life-changing decision.
I left church to follow Jesus.
I left religion to pursue relationship.
I left spiritual narcissism to find freedom.
I left patriarchy to rest in my Father’s arms.
I left misogyny to find my value as a woman.
I left exhaustion to experience rest.
I left confusion to bask in clarity.
I left chaos to breathe in peace.
I left darkness to walk in joy.
Matthew 18:20 says, “For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there I am in the midst of them.”
I have been blessed by some precious “two or more” gatherings in the past year that have been intimate, powerful and anointed.
I am intentional about meeting face to face with others who love God and who have the fruit of the Spirit evident in their lives.
We meet, we talk, we discuss scriptures, we eat, we share a cup of tea, we pray, we laugh, we cry.
These gatherings remind me of Acts 2:42-45. “And they continued steadfastly in the apostles’ doctrine and fellowship, in the breaking of bread, and in prayers. Then fear came upon every soul, and many wonders and signs were done through the apostles. Now all who believed were brought together, and had all things in common, and sold their possessions and goods, and divided them among all, as anyone had need.”
If you have experienced abuse, ridicule, shame, blame, or judgement from a religious institution, I am so sorry.
I assure you, that’s not God.
If you are a Christian woman rebuilding your life after abuse, join our community here, where I have organized hundreds of resources to help you on your healing journey.
I left church to follow Jesus.
I know this statement will make some people extremely uncomfortable.
But church represents trauma, pain, abuse, misogyny, and patriarchy to me.
At this point in my journey, this is what I must do to heal.
(Disclaimer: I love Jesus with all my heart. I know He loves me; I know He is good, and I know He has been with me every single day of my life. I can distinguish between Him and His Word and the acts of those who use Him and His Word to control and destroy others. I left a religious system that is broken and destructive to follow a Savior who is loving and redeeming. I gather weekly with others who love Him and who encourage me and hold me accountable. I am not forsaking the gathering, and I desire to be a part of community that lives out Acts 2:42-45. “And they continued steadfastly in the apostles’ doctrine and fellowship, in the breaking of bread, and in prayers. Then fear came upon every soul, and many wonders and signs were done through the apostles. Now all who believed were brought together, and had all things in common, and sold their possessions and goods, and divided them among all, as anyone had need.”)
I am here to share parts of my story. While I am not ready to bear all, I am sharing the reasons why I no longer attend traditional church. I have many layers of trauma associated with religious institutions and I am healing. It is unwise to continue to return to the place where trauma occurred. If someone were involved in a shooting, we would not insist that they continue participating in shootings. My trauma wounds came not from firearms but from leaders who weaponized God and His Word to abuse me and who turned blind eyes to other abuses being committed against me. Apart from two short-lived seasons of life, all my church experiences have been toxic and filled with spiritual abuse. I just did not know spiritual abuse was a thing until about ten years ago. It took me several more years to shake off the chains and walk away.
I once believed that I was called to be a bridge back to a specific religious institution. I watched so many wounded souls get chewed up and spit out by the church, and they abandoned their faith altogether. Finally, my eyes were opened, and I realized I am called to be a bridge back to Jesus, not to a toxic institution. I have spoken with hundreds of dear people who love Jesus and genuinely want to grow in their faith, but who have no desire whatsoever to darken the doorstep of a church. I get that. I really do.
Spiritual Abuse
I attended church several times a week for forty-five years. I grew up in a conservative, evangelical community that was very legalistic. Pretty much everything would send you straight to hell. Or so I was taught. Sadly, I adopted a lot of those teachings and regurgitated most of what I heard from pulpits and platforms. I was taught not to question leaders or authority, and march to the drumbeat set for me. I was indoctrinated in a plethora of denominations…Church of the Nazarene, Assemblies of God, Mennonite, Baptist, and non-denominational. These churches may be under different denominations, but the experiences I had at each one shared a common denominator…spiritual abuse.
Simply put, spiritual abuse occurs when a spiritual leader uses his/her position to manipulate, control, blackmail, or abuse another. Some examples of spiritual abuse that I witnessed were twisting and misinterpreting scriptures, manipulating people to give finances, using congregant’s skills, services, or expertise without compensation (while leaders collected a hefty salary), forcing victims to stay with abusers, allowing abusers and adulterers to serve in leadership positions, encouraging members to open up about generational curses and personal sins and later using that information against them, and allowing convicted sex offenders to be in the church without informing the congregation of the danger. There are many ways that spiritual abuse is manifested, and I have heard stories that turn my stomach and break my heart.
Narcissism
Narcissism is rampant in churches. Narcissistic qualities may include possessing an exaggerated sense of self-importance or sense of entitlement, needing admiration, exaggerating and lying to puff up self, taking over conversations and discussions, manipulating, having a public persona and a private persona, lacking true empathy, willing to take advantage of others, and using gaslighting and projection to control others. This list is not exhaustive, and it may take years for a licensed therapist to diagnose narcissism, but it is important to discuss these realities so that others can be spared further abuse.
There are certain professions that attract narcissists because they are given power and control over others. When I did a search on the top choices, clergy was the first one mentioned. This does not mean that every person who is in a clergy role is a narcissist, but it is quite easy for someone to use their position of to harm others.
At most churches I attended, there were leaders who used their positions of power in destructive ways. They stood behind pulpits each week and most congregants accepted what they said as if God Himself was speaking the words. Very few church members would research God’s Word or look at the context or original language of passages. A humble leader encourages his congregation to study the Bible and to question anything he says if it is not in line with God’s character and written word.
Patriarchy and Misogyny
In my experience, many churches were led by men and women were not honored or respected as equals. Many sermons about marriage shamed and blamed wives, while excusing abusive behaviors in husbands. The concept of submission was misrepresented and was a pass for men to mistreat their wives. Patriarchy and misogyny were rampant. And, since I was a woman, I was put in my place time and time again. I was often ignored by leaders in public, they would even look at the floor when they passed by me.
Hierarchy
There was a hierarchy, a chain of command. The “in crowd.” And, trust me, I was never in that club. I was told I could not “process down,” which meant if I was going through something difficult, I was to take it to those who were “above me” and not share with my own small group, which was “below me.” WHAT THE ACTUAL HECK???? Once, I offered to pray for a pastor’s wife. Her father was sick, and I knew she was genuinely concerned. I was told, “I cannot process down.” At another church, I beheld the stomach-churring reality of “celebrity pastors.” Again, WHAT THE ACTUAL HECK???
In the Kingdom of God, there is Jesus at the top…then, the rest of us. That is it. It is really that simple. There is no other need for a ladder within the Kingdom. Jesus sits on the throne and His follower bow at His feet. We should never bow at the feet of another human being.
Victim Shaming
When the realities of what was going on in my home were brought to leadership’s attention, I was punished for my abuser’s sins. I was removed from leadership opportunities while my abuser was not. I was told that if did X, Y, Z, my abuser would change, placing the full weight of someone else’s sin squarely on my shoulders. There is so much more to this story. What went on at home was vile and grievous. But, being blamed for that abuse by the leaders I looked up to as spiritual fathers and big brothers crushed my heart even more. I can now share about my marriage without tearing up, but when I begin to speak about the way my leaders treated me, I weep every time.
Wolves are Welcome
More recently, I poured my heart out to a pastor, sharing about the years of abuse I had endured at home and church, thinking I had finally found a safe shelter. I asked what his church’s stance was on abuse. He said, “The abuser and the abused are welcome here.” I did not understand at that moment, but I would soon learn, that statement is not Biblical. Not in the least. God’s word has much to say about abuse and abusers. Jesus stood up for the abused and He stood up against the abusers (wolves). Sadly, most churches do not follow His lead in this way. If you or someone you love is in an abusive relationship, I caution you against going to a church for help. I, along with countless others, have been retraumatized by the church. Most pastors and lay leaders are not trained to recognize domestic violence or trauma and do not have the skills to help. I advise you to reach out to a licensed therapist who is trauma-informed and domestic violence-informed (research the Power and Control Wheel to understand the many ways abuse is manifested).
At each church, I did my best to love God and love others. I showed up to love and be loved. I showed up to serve and use the gifts that God had placed within me. I was eager and willing, and my heart was for anyone else who felt abused, set aside, unworthy, not good enough. When I saw injustice, I spoke up against it. I was told not to pick up the offenses of others. When I was concerned about why a leader left in the dark of night, I was told I could not ask questions. When I saw a physical need and presented a solution to meet it, I was told that that person needed to suffer so she could “find Jesus.” When I got out of my seat on a Sunday morning to pray with a friend who was sitting alone, I was told “People need to come to the alter, we should not go to them.”
So, a year ago, I left church to follow Jesus.
And, I have never felt closer to Him than I do now.
I have spent the last year getting to know Him more intimately, digging deeper into passages within the Bible that were once used against me and learning so much about the context and heart of God. I have gained some incredible connections with survivors, advocates, counselors, and leaders who are domestic violence-informed and trauma-informed. I left the scene of the accident so that I could begin to heal. I am not saying I will never attend traditional church again (I have learned to never say never say never). My heart and my home welcome those who are weary, broken, and bleeding.
If you are a Christian woman rebuilding after abuse, please join us here, at Held and Healed. Or, if you are a woman who loves others and wants to learn how to help and not hurt, this is a great place to begin. I share the resources that have helped me on my healing journey. We are building community and seeing the transformation of truth setting women free.
I am here to share parts of my story. While I am not ready to bear all, I am sharing the reasons why I no longer attend traditional church. I have many layers of trauma associated with religious institutions and I am healing. It is unwise to continue to return to the place where trauma occurred. If someone were involved in a shooting, we would not insist that they continue participating in shootings. My trauma wounds came not from firearms but from leaders who weaponized God and His Word to abuse me and who turned blind eyes to other abuses being committed against me. Apart from two short-lived seasons of life, all my church experiences have been toxic and filled with spiritual abuse. I just did not know spiritual abuse was a thing until about ten years ago. It took me several more years to shake off the chains and walk away.
I once believed that I was called to be a bridge back to a specific religious institution. I watched so many wounded souls get chewed up and spit out by the church, and they abandoned their faith altogether. Finally, my eyes were opened, and I realized I am called to be a bridge back to Jesus, not to a toxic institution. I have spoken with hundreds of dear people who love Jesus and genuinely want to grow in their faith, but who have no desire whatsoever to darken the doorstep of a church. I get that. I really do.
Spiritual Abuse
I attended church several times a week for forty-five years. I grew up in a conservative, evangelical community that was very legalistic. Pretty much everything would send you straight to hell. Or so I was taught. Sadly, I adopted a lot of those teachings and regurgitated most of what I heard from pulpits and platforms. I was taught not to question leaders or authority, and march to the drumbeat set for me. I was indoctrinated in a plethora of denominations…Church of the Nazarene, Assemblies of God, Mennonite, Baptist, and non-denominational. These churches may be under different denominations, but the experiences I had at each one shared a common denominator…spiritual abuse.
Simply put, spiritual abuse occurs when a spiritual leader uses his/her position to manipulate, control, blackmail, or abuse another. Some examples of spiritual abuse that I witnessed were twisting and misinterpreting scriptures, manipulating people to give finances, using congregant’s skills, services, or expertise without compensation (while leaders collected a hefty salary), forcing victims to stay with abusers, allowing abusers and adulterers to serve in leadership positions, encouraging members to open up about generational curses and personal sins and later using that information against them, and allowing convicted sex offenders to be in the church without informing the congregation of the danger. There are many ways that spiritual abuse is manifested, and I have heard stories that turn my stomach and break my heart.
Narcissism
Narcissism is rampant in churches. Narcissistic qualities may include possessing an exaggerated sense of self-importance or sense of entitlement, needing admiration, exaggerating and lying to puff up self, taking over conversations and discussions, manipulating, having a public persona and a private persona, lacking true empathy, willing to take advantage of others, and using gaslighting and projection to control others. This list is not exhaustive, and it may take years for a licensed therapist to diagnose narcissism, but it is important to discuss these realities so that others can be spared further abuse.
There are certain professions that attract narcissists because they are given power and control over others. When I did a search on the top choices, clergy was the first one mentioned. This does not mean that every person who is in a clergy role is a narcissist, but it is quite easy for someone to use their position of to harm others.
At most churches I attended, there were leaders who used their positions of power in destructive ways. They stood behind pulpits each week and most congregants accepted what they said as if God Himself was speaking the words. Very few church members would research God’s Word or look at the context or original language of passages. A humble leader encourages his congregation to study the Bible and to question anything he says if it is not in line with God’s character and written word.
Patriarchy and Misogyny
In my experience, many churches were led by men and women were not honored or respected as equals. Many sermons about marriage shamed and blamed wives, while excusing abusive behaviors in husbands. The concept of submission was misrepresented and was a pass for men to mistreat their wives. Patriarchy and misogyny were rampant. And, since I was a woman, I was put in my place time and time again. I was often ignored by leaders in public, they would even look at the floor when they passed by me.
Hierarchy
There was a hierarchy, a chain of command. The “in crowd.” And, trust me, I was never in that club. I was told I could not “process down,” which meant if I was going through something difficult, I was to take it to those who were “above me” and not share with my own small group, which was “below me.” WHAT THE ACTUAL HECK???? Once, I offered to pray for a pastor’s wife. Her father was sick, and I knew she was genuinely concerned. I was told, “I cannot process down.” At another church, I beheld the stomach-churring reality of “celebrity pastors.” Again, WHAT THE ACTUAL HECK???
In the Kingdom of God, there is Jesus at the top…then, the rest of us. That is it. It is really that simple. There is no other need for a ladder within the Kingdom. Jesus sits on the throne and His follower bow at His feet. We should never bow at the feet of another human being.
Victim Shaming
When the realities of what was going on in my home were brought to leadership’s attention, I was punished for my abuser’s sins. I was removed from leadership opportunities while my abuser was not. I was told that if did X, Y, Z, my abuser would change, placing the full weight of someone else’s sin squarely on my shoulders. There is so much more to this story. What went on at home was vile and grievous. But, being blamed for that abuse by the leaders I looked up to as spiritual fathers and big brothers crushed my heart even more. I can now share about my marriage without tearing up, but when I begin to speak about the way my leaders treated me, I weep every time.
Wolves are Welcome
More recently, I poured my heart out to a pastor, sharing about the years of abuse I had endured at home and church, thinking I had finally found a safe shelter. I asked what his church’s stance was on abuse. He said, “The abuser and the abused are welcome here.” I did not understand at that moment, but I would soon learn, that statement is not Biblical. Not in the least. God’s word has much to say about abuse and abusers. Jesus stood up for the abused and He stood up against the abusers (wolves). Sadly, most churches do not follow His lead in this way. If you or someone you love is in an abusive relationship, I caution you against going to a church for help. I, along with countless others, have been retraumatized by the church. Most pastors and lay leaders are not trained to recognize domestic violence or trauma and do not have the skills to help. I advise you to reach out to a licensed therapist who is trauma-informed and domestic violence-informed (research the Power and Control Wheel to understand the many ways abuse is manifested).
At each church, I did my best to love God and love others. I showed up to love and be loved. I showed up to serve and use the gifts that God had placed within me. I was eager and willing, and my heart was for anyone else who felt abused, set aside, unworthy, not good enough. When I saw injustice, I spoke up against it. I was told not to pick up the offenses of others. When I was concerned about why a leader left in the dark of night, I was told I could not ask questions. When I saw a physical need and presented a solution to meet it, I was told that that person needed to suffer so she could “find Jesus.” When I got out of my seat on a Sunday morning to pray with a friend who was sitting alone, I was told “People need to come to the alter, we should not go to them.”
So, a year ago, I left church to follow Jesus.
And, I have never felt closer to Him than I do now.
I have spent the last year getting to know Him more intimately, digging deeper into passages within the Bible that were once used against me and learning so much about the context and heart of God. I have gained some incredible connections with survivors, advocates, counselors, and leaders who are domestic violence-informed and trauma-informed. I left the scene of the accident so that I could begin to heal. I am not saying I will never attend traditional church again (I have learned to never say never say never). My heart and my home welcome those who are weary, broken, and bleeding.
If you are a Christian woman rebuilding after abuse, please join us here, at Held and Healed. Or, if you are a woman who loves others and wants to learn how to help and not hurt, this is a great place to begin. I share the resources that have helped me on my healing journey. We are building community and seeing the transformation of truth setting women free.
