Dear Friend,
His abuse, adultery and addictions are not your fault.
You are processing a level of betrayal that no human being should ever have to process.
While you were carrying his baby, he was at work having an affair with a co-worker
While you were in the hospital, just hours after giving birth, he was at a hotel hooking up with the “flavor of the month.”
While you were stretching fifty dollars a week for the family groceries, he was out wining and dining friends and creating thousands of dollars of debt you knew nothing about.
While you were praying, submitting, and being sexually available to keep him from straying, he was straying.
While you were alone and weeping, he was making people laugh with inappropriate humor, always the life of the party.
While you were encouraging and edifying him every chance you got, he berated you and stripped you down to a worthless pile on the floor.
While you were crying out for mercy, he mocked your pain.
NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT.
He cheats because he is a cheater.
He lies because he is a liar.
He abuses because he is an abuser.
NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT.
YOU DESERVE TO BE LOVED, HONORED, CHERISHED AND SAFE.
Sweet friend, if any of this describes your reality, I want you to know that you are not alone.
We have a community of women who truly get it.
Join us on Facebook at Held & Healed: Christian Women Rebuilding After Abuse.
We are growing and healing together.
Followers of Christ,
Do we believe He is still on the throne?
Do we believe He knew all of our current
realities would be, long before we knew them?
Do we believe that He has given us ALL that we need to STAND?
Do we believe His grace is sufficient?
Do we believe He sees all, hears all, knows all?
Do we believe that righteousness and justice are the foundation of His throne?
Do we believe that nothing matters more than loving Him and loving others?
Do we believe that there is a battle raging and we are on the WINNING side?
Do we believe that He hears our prayers and that they are powerful weapons against forces of evil?
Do we believe that nothing we go through on this earth will compare to the glory that waits for us in heaven?
We must stop fighting each other and turn on the real enemy...his plan has always been to separate us from God, to steal, kill and destroy us.
There is a world full of hurting, broken, bleeding people.
Do we believe He is still on the throne?
Do we believe He knew all of our current
realities would be, long before we knew them?
Do we believe that He has given us ALL that we need to STAND?
Do we believe His grace is sufficient?
Do we believe He sees all, hears all, knows all?
Do we believe that righteousness and justice are the foundation of His throne?
Do we believe that nothing matters more than loving Him and loving others?
Do we believe that there is a battle raging and we are on the WINNING side?
Do we believe that He hears our prayers and that they are powerful weapons against forces of evil?
Do we believe that nothing we go through on this earth will compare to the glory that waits for us in heaven?
We must stop fighting each other and turn on the real enemy...his plan has always been to separate us from God, to steal, kill and destroy us.
There is a world full of hurting, broken, bleeding people.
There are babies and children who are being tortured, mutilated, raped and murdered every day.
They need us to care, to pray, to fight, to stand up for them.
Brace yourselves.
Things will be revealed and we will not be able to say, “I had no idea...”
It’s time to rise up, unite and say, “Not on my watch.”
Enough is enough.
(Written June 6, 2020)
I wrote this yesterday, as I was facing another holiday alone:
"As a divorcée/single and empty-nester (with layers of extended family “ick”), weekends are lonely.
"As a divorcée/single and empty-nester (with layers of extended family “ick”), weekends are lonely.
Holidays are lonely.
Holiday weekends?
Doubly brutal.
I made plans for Friday night and Saturday morning/afternoon, and a sweet Held & Healed sister has invited me over today, but I still feel alone.
I made plans for Friday night and Saturday morning/afternoon, and a sweet Held & Healed sister has invited me over today, but I still feel alone.
I miss little boys, parades, face painting, cookouts, camping trips, sparklers, fire works, fire pits and ice cream.
I miss being with my boys every day, and every holiday.
I miss the messiness and chaos.
I miss little boy giggles, slathering them with sunscreen amidst groans of protest.
I miss having a houseful of energetic teenagers.
I miss movie picnics and game nights.
I miss homeschooling.
My hope and prayer is that some of those things will be reinstated, sooner versus later.
But, for now, I miss my family (my boys are and have always been my true family).
I see them about once/week and that’s just not enough for my heart.
How are you, dear sisters?
Is this weekend a time of celebration for you or is it a time of loneliness/grieving?
Do you have family to celebrate with?
Do you have friends who are like family?
There are no wrong responses.
May we rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep."
The comments that followed broke my heart, as many are in very dark and lonely places right now.
I asked who would be up for a Zoom later in the evening, and twelve of us joined in to connect, share a bit of our struggles and to not be alone for that hour and a half.
I am thankful for the friend who invited me to join her family picnic and I want to challenge others to do the same.
* Look around you and see who is alone...the divorcee, the single mom, the empty-nester, the widow, the shut-in.
* Invite them to less formal events prior to the holidays, a family dinner or cookout, or on a day trip on your boat to the lake.
* When the holidays roll around, they will already know some of your friends and family members and if you invite them to join you, they'll feel more comfortable accepting the invite.
* There are so many who are alone and they desperately need to know that someone sees them.
If we all reach out and love on someone each day (in small ways and big ways), this world will be a brighter, kinder, happier place.
Ladies, please join us on Facebook at Held & Healed: Christian Women Rebuilding After Abuse as we support each other through the ups and downs of life.
Register here to receive weekly updates and inspirations.
The comments that followed broke my heart, as many are in very dark and lonely places right now.
I asked who would be up for a Zoom later in the evening, and twelve of us joined in to connect, share a bit of our struggles and to not be alone for that hour and a half.
I am thankful for the friend who invited me to join her family picnic and I want to challenge others to do the same.
* Look around you and see who is alone...the divorcee, the single mom, the empty-nester, the widow, the shut-in.
* Invite them to less formal events prior to the holidays, a family dinner or cookout, or on a day trip on your boat to the lake.
* When the holidays roll around, they will already know some of your friends and family members and if you invite them to join you, they'll feel more comfortable accepting the invite.
* There are so many who are alone and they desperately need to know that someone sees them.
If we all reach out and love on someone each day (in small ways and big ways), this world will be a brighter, kinder, happier place.
Ladies, please join us on Facebook at Held & Healed: Christian Women Rebuilding After Abuse as we support each other through the ups and downs of life.
Register here to receive weekly updates and inspirations.
All it took was a meme.
A simple combination of words.
And, here I am, weeping.
Again.
“Domestic violence impacts the entire family. Children who WITNESS domestic violence suffer the same long-term effects as children who EXPERIENCE it directly.”
I did not know that twenty years ago.
If I knew then what I know now…
I'm heard people say, "He's not a good husband, but he's a good dad."
No.
A good dad is also a good husband.
Domestic violence is so much more than broken bones and bruises.
If a man puts his hands on his wife, the children will be affected.
If a man threatens his wife, the children will be affected.
If a man spews hate-filled words at his wife, the children will be affected.
If a man uses the Word of God as a weapon against his wife, the children will be affected.
If a man rapes his wife and treats her like a prostitute, the children will be affected.
If a man withholds finances from his wife and denies that her basic needs be met, the children will be affected.
If a man denies his wife and kids access to medical care, the children will be affected.
If a man sabotages every holiday or special occasion, the children will be affected.
If a man puts his fist through the wall or kicks down a door, the children will be affected.
I could go on, but I am certain you get the picture.
A man can do severe physiological damage to his children without ever laying a hand on them.
My heart is breaking for mamas and children today.
You may not see a way out, but there are so many who are finding safety and hope.
Ladies, please join us at Held and Healed: Christian Women Rebuilding After Abuse.
In this group, I share hundreds of resources to help you on your healing journey.
You are not alone.
I grew up in church and youth group was a highlight of my high school years, we were a tight-knit group, a mismatched family of sorts. Some of us came from safe and loving homes, others were dealing with abuse of every kind. I believe our leaders did the best they could, but I have memories of things that happened at youth group and can say with confidence there defiantly was not enough supervision.
Over the past thirty years, I have been involved in youth ministry. Youth group. Youth camps. Youth retreats. Mission trips. I have been exposed to most denominations within the Christian faith community, and I saw concerns in every corner.
I took a strong stand to protect young people from physical and sexual predators and was even laughed at in certain settings for doing so. Laughed at for raising awareness about dangerous possibilities for our precious children. Now that I understand trauma, I realize there were so many other ways we should have and could have protected them. When we know better, we must do better.
This is a plea to anyone and everyone who works with children, middle schoolers, high schoolers, and college aged students. From the bottom of my mama’s heart, I am asking us all to look at what we have done, survey the damage we have caused or allowed (whether intentional or not) and do what we can to reconcile the broken-hearted back to the heart of the Father.
First, and foremost, we must do a better job of vetting the adults we allow to work with our young people. Predators are everywhere and they love, love, love preying upon innocent, naïve and vulnerable children. A criminal background check is a step in the right direction, but only a small percentage of sexual abuse cases are reported, and of that number, an even smaller number of convictions. As the #metoo movement gave courage to the #churchtoo movement, more cases are being reported than ever before. So many were assaulted when they were minors, sworn or threatened to secrecy and are now adults who are finding a voice to share their stories. Many churches fail to go to the authorities, sweep these cases under the rug, allow the predator to remain in leadership or quietly dismiss him and he moves on to another church or community and continues abusing children.
I have learned so much from my own life experiences and from advocates who are experts in this field. Jimmy Hinton of JimmyHinton.org co-hosts The Speaking Out Against Sexual Abuse podcast with his mother, Clara Hinton. Their story is gut-wrenching and heart-breaking, as Jimmy’s own father and childhood hero, also a pastor, was convicted of heinous crimes against children. Jimmy tells his story and calls churches to account in his book, The Devil Inside: How My Minister Father Molested Kids in Our Home and Church for Decades and How I Finally Stopped Him. I listen to their podcast weekly and have learned so much from these warriors. If you are ready and willing to make your church a safe place for others, this is a great place to begin. My favorite quote, in the final chapter of his book, sums up Jimmy’s heart: “Survivors have been badly wounded, both by their abusers and by the church. My congregation doesn’t look down on them. We welcome them! Where other churches are welcoming predators and shunning victims, we are welcoming victims and shunning predators.” (Page 152)
Dale Ingraham is the author of Tear Down the Wall of Silence: Dealing with Sexual Abuse in our Churches. I reached out to him for some baseline requirements for vetting adults who work with children. “…background checks are only a first step. Keep in mind that only 2-4% of sexual predators ever go to prison. So over 90% of sex offenders will pass a background check.
1. Everyone fills out an application (you should be able to find a good application online)
2.Background checks
3. Check all references
4. All workers should go through abuse prevention training every year.
5. Windows in all doors, except of course, bathrooms.
5. Appropriate number of adults per child ratio.
6. There should be a trained staff member who walks the hallways keeping track of classrooms through the windows and observing who is coming and going.
7. Cameras in appropriate places.
There are other guidelines. I would say an excellent source would be Basyle (Boz) Tchividjian’s book...’The Child Safeguarding Policy Guide’ for churches and Ministries.”
Sarah McDugal and Daron Pratt co-authored Myths We Believe, Predators We Trust: 37 Things You Don’t Want to Know About Abuse in Church (But You Really Should). THIS BOOK IS A QUICK READ AND A MUST FOR ALL CHRISTIANS. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE READ IT.
Myth: “Ignoring abuse doesn’t impact evangelism.”
Myth: “Churches are safe because we are a family of believers.”
Myth: “Abusers are easy to spot, socially awkward and tend to stay on the fringes.”
Myth: “My church is filled with really nice people, I probably don’t know any perpetrators of abuse.”
Myth: “Perpetrators wouldn’t dare show up at my church.”
Myth: “Real abuse is obvious.”
Myth: “Most reports of abuse are made up by people pretending to be victims.”
Myth: “Getting falsely accused is a huge risk for good men.”
Myth: “Abusers don’t usually have multiple victims.”
Myth: “When someone is abused, they usually tell right away.”
Myth: “If something was happening in my church, I’d be able to tell.”
Myth: “If someone said they were being abused, my church would defiantly believe them.”
Myth: “My church would never let a predator keep access to more victims.”
Myth: “A person who keeps making noise about abuse is a troublemaker.”
Myth: “Victims of abuse are welcomed and supported at my church.”
Myth: “Sexual addiction and abuse is an adult issue.”
Myth: “When an abuser cries and says they’ve changed, we should believe them and extend grace.”
Myth: “If an abuser has acted repentant for at least six months, we should trust them again.”
Myth: “Courts often get it wrong and churches should be known for grace, forgiveness, and second chances.”
Myth: “If someone was never convicted in a criminal court, we should assume they’re innocent.”
Myth: “If someone is abusing you, go to them alone and follow Matthew 18 first.”
Myth: “Scripture traches us to handle abuse internally.”
Myth: “Church members report abuse as often as everyone else.”
Myth: “Church leaders should stick together and have each other’s back.”
Myth: “When you forgive something, you aren’t supposed to bring it up ever again.”
Myth: “Good Christians will seek to restore and reconcile as quickly as possible no matter what.”
Myth: “Loving an abuser means giving them another chance.”
Myth: “Pornography isn’t “real” adultery, and shouldn’t be blown out of proportion.”
Myth: “People who accuse others of abuse are usually lying.”
Myth: “If someone was abusing a child in my church, I would definitely pick up on the red flags.”
Myth: “All child abusers are pedophiles.”
Myth: “If (someone) is sexually abusing children, it’s because they aren’t sexually satisfied at home.”
Myth: “Sometimes children lead abusers on and ask for it.”
Myth: “My child would absolutely tell me if someone was hurting them or touching them.”
Myth: “Abuse is caused by anger problems or childhood trauma and we should feel sorry for abusers.”
Myth: “The abuser said it was a one-time mistake and we should take their word for it.”
Myth: “If we have background checks and good policies, our church will be totally safe.”
Sarah McDugal, Jennifer Jill Schwirzer and Nicole Parker authored Safe Churches: Responding to Abuse in the Faith Community. This book is a must for every pastor, ministry leader and people helper. The book outlines the systems of abuse (abuse is so much more than broken bones and bruises): child abuse, cultural abuse, emotional abuse, financial abuse, intellectual abuse, pets and property abuse, physical abuse, psychological abuse, sexual abuse, social abuse, spiritual abuse, and verbal abuse.
“Safe Churches is for you if you want to…
Discover how to recognize and respond to red flags.
Feel more equipped to educate your church staff.
Protect the vulnerable.
Discern genuine repentance.
Reflect God’s character to your church’s children.
“Safe Churches presents proven approaches to handling abuse at church in ways that are both biblically redemptive and legally responsible.” (From Sarah’s website)
These three books are a great place to begin. Beyond these resources, there are ministries that are equipping churches to become safe havens. Data bases are being created, to reveal convicted sex criminals in various denominations and to showcase churches and individuals who are trained as safe resources.
Jimmy Hinton: https://jimmyhinton.org/
Sarah McDugal: https://www.wildernesstowild.com/
Chris Moles: http://www.chrismoles.org/
Basyle "Boz" Tchivdjiam/Godly Response to Abuse in the Christian Environment G.R.A.C.E.: https://www.netgrace.org/
This post is a work in progress. I am reaching out to experts in this field and will add baseline steps that need to be taken when choosing volunteers and staff who will work with children and youth. I am also collecting information regarding the legal and responsible ways to report abuse cases.
While this post focuses mostly on protecting youth from physical and sexual abuse, I also feel compelled to write about keeping them safe emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Part 2 is coming soon.
Over the past thirty years, I have been involved in youth ministry. Youth group. Youth camps. Youth retreats. Mission trips. I have been exposed to most denominations within the Christian faith community, and I saw concerns in every corner.
I took a strong stand to protect young people from physical and sexual predators and was even laughed at in certain settings for doing so. Laughed at for raising awareness about dangerous possibilities for our precious children. Now that I understand trauma, I realize there were so many other ways we should have and could have protected them. When we know better, we must do better.
This is a plea to anyone and everyone who works with children, middle schoolers, high schoolers, and college aged students. From the bottom of my mama’s heart, I am asking us all to look at what we have done, survey the damage we have caused or allowed (whether intentional or not) and do what we can to reconcile the broken-hearted back to the heart of the Father.
First, and foremost, we must do a better job of vetting the adults we allow to work with our young people. Predators are everywhere and they love, love, love preying upon innocent, naïve and vulnerable children. A criminal background check is a step in the right direction, but only a small percentage of sexual abuse cases are reported, and of that number, an even smaller number of convictions. As the #metoo movement gave courage to the #churchtoo movement, more cases are being reported than ever before. So many were assaulted when they were minors, sworn or threatened to secrecy and are now adults who are finding a voice to share their stories. Many churches fail to go to the authorities, sweep these cases under the rug, allow the predator to remain in leadership or quietly dismiss him and he moves on to another church or community and continues abusing children.
I have learned so much from my own life experiences and from advocates who are experts in this field. Jimmy Hinton of JimmyHinton.org co-hosts The Speaking Out Against Sexual Abuse podcast with his mother, Clara Hinton. Their story is gut-wrenching and heart-breaking, as Jimmy’s own father and childhood hero, also a pastor, was convicted of heinous crimes against children. Jimmy tells his story and calls churches to account in his book, The Devil Inside: How My Minister Father Molested Kids in Our Home and Church for Decades and How I Finally Stopped Him. I listen to their podcast weekly and have learned so much from these warriors. If you are ready and willing to make your church a safe place for others, this is a great place to begin. My favorite quote, in the final chapter of his book, sums up Jimmy’s heart: “Survivors have been badly wounded, both by their abusers and by the church. My congregation doesn’t look down on them. We welcome them! Where other churches are welcoming predators and shunning victims, we are welcoming victims and shunning predators.” (Page 152)
Dale Ingraham is the author of Tear Down the Wall of Silence: Dealing with Sexual Abuse in our Churches. I reached out to him for some baseline requirements for vetting adults who work with children. “…background checks are only a first step. Keep in mind that only 2-4% of sexual predators ever go to prison. So over 90% of sex offenders will pass a background check.
1. Everyone fills out an application (you should be able to find a good application online)
2.Background checks
3. Check all references
4. All workers should go through abuse prevention training every year.
5. Windows in all doors, except of course, bathrooms.
5. Appropriate number of adults per child ratio.
6. There should be a trained staff member who walks the hallways keeping track of classrooms through the windows and observing who is coming and going.
7. Cameras in appropriate places.
There are other guidelines. I would say an excellent source would be Basyle (Boz) Tchividjian’s book...’The Child Safeguarding Policy Guide’ for churches and Ministries.”
Sarah McDugal and Daron Pratt co-authored Myths We Believe, Predators We Trust: 37 Things You Don’t Want to Know About Abuse in Church (But You Really Should). THIS BOOK IS A QUICK READ AND A MUST FOR ALL CHRISTIANS. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE READ IT.
Myth: “Ignoring abuse doesn’t impact evangelism.”
Myth: “Churches are safe because we are a family of believers.”
Myth: “Abusers are easy to spot, socially awkward and tend to stay on the fringes.”
Myth: “My church is filled with really nice people, I probably don’t know any perpetrators of abuse.”
Myth: “Perpetrators wouldn’t dare show up at my church.”
Myth: “Real abuse is obvious.”
Myth: “Most reports of abuse are made up by people pretending to be victims.”
Myth: “Getting falsely accused is a huge risk for good men.”
Myth: “Abusers don’t usually have multiple victims.”
Myth: “When someone is abused, they usually tell right away.”
Myth: “If something was happening in my church, I’d be able to tell.”
Myth: “If someone said they were being abused, my church would defiantly believe them.”
Myth: “My church would never let a predator keep access to more victims.”
Myth: “A person who keeps making noise about abuse is a troublemaker.”
Myth: “Victims of abuse are welcomed and supported at my church.”
Myth: “Sexual addiction and abuse is an adult issue.”
Myth: “When an abuser cries and says they’ve changed, we should believe them and extend grace.”
Myth: “If an abuser has acted repentant for at least six months, we should trust them again.”
Myth: “Courts often get it wrong and churches should be known for grace, forgiveness, and second chances.”
Myth: “If someone was never convicted in a criminal court, we should assume they’re innocent.”
Myth: “If someone is abusing you, go to them alone and follow Matthew 18 first.”
Myth: “Scripture traches us to handle abuse internally.”
Myth: “Church members report abuse as often as everyone else.”
Myth: “Church leaders should stick together and have each other’s back.”
Myth: “When you forgive something, you aren’t supposed to bring it up ever again.”
Myth: “Good Christians will seek to restore and reconcile as quickly as possible no matter what.”
Myth: “Loving an abuser means giving them another chance.”
Myth: “Pornography isn’t “real” adultery, and shouldn’t be blown out of proportion.”
Myth: “People who accuse others of abuse are usually lying.”
Myth: “If someone was abusing a child in my church, I would definitely pick up on the red flags.”
Myth: “All child abusers are pedophiles.”
Myth: “If (someone) is sexually abusing children, it’s because they aren’t sexually satisfied at home.”
Myth: “Sometimes children lead abusers on and ask for it.”
Myth: “My child would absolutely tell me if someone was hurting them or touching them.”
Myth: “Abuse is caused by anger problems or childhood trauma and we should feel sorry for abusers.”
Myth: “The abuser said it was a one-time mistake and we should take their word for it.”
Myth: “If we have background checks and good policies, our church will be totally safe.”
Sarah McDugal, Jennifer Jill Schwirzer and Nicole Parker authored Safe Churches: Responding to Abuse in the Faith Community. This book is a must for every pastor, ministry leader and people helper. The book outlines the systems of abuse (abuse is so much more than broken bones and bruises): child abuse, cultural abuse, emotional abuse, financial abuse, intellectual abuse, pets and property abuse, physical abuse, psychological abuse, sexual abuse, social abuse, spiritual abuse, and verbal abuse.
“Safe Churches is for you if you want to…
Discover how to recognize and respond to red flags.
Feel more equipped to educate your church staff.
Protect the vulnerable.
Discern genuine repentance.
Reflect God’s character to your church’s children.
“Safe Churches presents proven approaches to handling abuse at church in ways that are both biblically redemptive and legally responsible.” (From Sarah’s website)
These three books are a great place to begin. Beyond these resources, there are ministries that are equipping churches to become safe havens. Data bases are being created, to reveal convicted sex criminals in various denominations and to showcase churches and individuals who are trained as safe resources.
Jimmy Hinton: https://jimmyhinton.org/
Sarah McDugal: https://www.wildernesstowild.com/
Chris Moles: http://www.chrismoles.org/
Basyle "Boz" Tchivdjiam/Godly Response to Abuse in the Christian Environment G.R.A.C.E.: https://www.netgrace.org/
This post is a work in progress. I am reaching out to experts in this field and will add baseline steps that need to be taken when choosing volunteers and staff who will work with children and youth. I am also collecting information regarding the legal and responsible ways to report abuse cases.
While this post focuses mostly on protecting youth from physical and sexual abuse, I also feel compelled to write about keeping them safe emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Part 2 is coming soon.
