Do not wait for the permission of a person or institution to do what God anointed you to do.
I look back over the past decade and I am in awe of all of the experiences I have had, all of the ministry I have been a part of, all of the people I have met.
If I was still a part of the abusive religious systems that controlled me, I would not have stepped out to do any of those things.
I was expected to ask permission from my leaders each time I felt led to do…anything. And, more times than not, I was told I could not or should not do the thing I felt passionately about doing. Then, a month or two later, that same leader released someone else to do the very thing that I felt God was asking me to do.
THAT'S NOT GOD.
THAT'S NOT GOD.
I prayed with people and was told that I did it wrong.
THAT’S NOT GOD.
I led worship and was told I was too emotional (and was eventually stripped of my role as a worship leader).
THAT’S NOT GOD.
I signed up to go on a mission trip and was rejected because I might “go there and be a basket case like I was here.” (This was mere months after disclosure of the worst betrayal of my life. That same institution offered me no help, but was quick to blame/shame me for another’s sin.)
THAT’S NOT GOD.
I have many other incidents that I could share, but will not now.
If I was still part of that system, I WOULD PROBABLY BE DEAD.
If not physically, definitely spiritually.
Now, I am FREE to live, move and have my being.
I am FREE to see needs and make the connections to resources, without waiting for someone else to decide if the recipients was “worthy.”
Oh, yes!
The last straw?
The thing that FINALLY pushed me out of that abusive, patriarchal, misogynistic place?
When a dear friend was so sick and I asked if we could bless her.
The response?
“She needs to be alone so she can find God.”
What the actual HELL????
I’m grateful for the remnant of godly shepherds who protect their flocks from wolves.
Sadly, they are few and far between.
I am grateful to Abba Father for continuing to speak to my heart and give me vision and strategies for loving the ones that churches have shunned.
I am grateful for faithful friends who speak His plans, purposes and call forth His destiny in my life when so many tried to shut me up.
And, now, I will take every chance I get to be a voice for survivors.
He rescued me from the fire and I will be one of His firefighters who goes back to help pull others from the flames.
His permission, approval and covering is all I need. 
Dear Friend, I’m so sorry the nightmares are back.
You called me to unload and my heart is breaking for you.
You found out that your ex is helping to lead worship at yet another church, one of the largest ones in your community.
He never stopped leading worship, during all the years he was lying to you, cheating on you, abusing you and neglecting you.
The church turned a blind eye to adultery, addiction and abuse then.
It continues to do so now.
In your dream, you met yet another one of his mistresses.
She sat on the front row in church while he stood on the platform.
When you confronted her, she simply made a joke.
When you confronted him, he ignored you and walked away.
When you confronted your own family members who still coddled him, they stared at you blankly.
In your dream, you were walking toward the pastor to warn him.
But you woke up.
Just like the nightmares you’ve had where you are falling, falling, falling and you wake up just before you hit the ground and die.
You don’t know how the dream ends, but I can predict it.
You walk up to the pastor, you tell him that your ex isn’t a godly man and he should not hold a position of leadership in any church.
You tell him about serial adultery, sex addiction, and abuse of every kind.
The pastor also stares at you blankly.
So, you walk away.
My friend, you cannot convince anyone of anything.
They see what they want to see, a man who is charming and witty and can make their worship team sound a little bit better.
You called me to unload and my heart is breaking for you.
You found out that your ex is helping to lead worship at yet another church, one of the largest ones in your community.
He never stopped leading worship, during all the years he was lying to you, cheating on you, abusing you and neglecting you.
The church turned a blind eye to adultery, addiction and abuse then.
It continues to do so now.
In your dream, you met yet another one of his mistresses.
She sat on the front row in church while he stood on the platform.
When you confronted her, she simply made a joke.
When you confronted him, he ignored you and walked away.
When you confronted your own family members who still coddled him, they stared at you blankly.
In your dream, you were walking toward the pastor to warn him.
But you woke up.
Just like the nightmares you’ve had where you are falling, falling, falling and you wake up just before you hit the ground and die.
You don’t know how the dream ends, but I can predict it.
You walk up to the pastor, you tell him that your ex isn’t a godly man and he should not hold a position of leadership in any church.
You tell him about serial adultery, sex addiction, and abuse of every kind.
The pastor also stares at you blankly.
So, you walk away.
My friend, you cannot convince anyone of anything.
They see what they want to see, a man who is charming and witty and can make their worship team sound a little bit better.
You will be deemed the bitter ex-wife.
I encourage you to stop trying to get them to see truth they don’t want to see.
Instead, pour that energy and focus into speaking truth over yourself.
“I am worthy of love, honor and respect.”
“It is not my fault that he lied, cheated and abused me."
“His actions are reflections of his character, not mine.”
“My God sees all, hears all, knows all. What He knows about me matters more than what others think of me.”
“I do not need a church’s validation to be whole.”
Hold your head high and dig deep into your healing.
The One who sees all, hears all and knows all has got your back and He is moving mountains on your behalf.
He is raising up an army of survivors who have fought similar battles.
You are not alone.
Tell the nightmares, the flashbacks, and the triggers to go back to hell where they came from.
Book a session with a therapist who understands domestic violence and trauma.
You are victorious.
And, join us at Held & Healed: Christian Women Rebuilding After Abuse.
We are learning, growing and healing together.
