(Disclaimer: In my previous post, I shared about surviving decades of spiritual abuse in a variety of churches and denominations. This is my story, and my story is quite common. So many have been deeply wounded by religious institutions and I speak up to help distinguish between the abusive behaviors of man and the loving heart of Father God. If you want to read more of my story, I go in to more details here.)
A year ago, I made a life-changing decision.
I left church to follow Jesus.
I left religion to pursue relationship.
I left spiritual narcissism to find freedom.
I left patriarchy to rest in my Father’s arms.
I left misogyny to find my value as a woman.
I left exhaustion to experience rest.
I left confusion to bask in clarity.
I left chaos to breathe in peace.
I left darkness to walk in joy.
Matthew 18:20 says, “For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there I am in the midst of them.”
I have been blessed by some precious “two or more” gatherings in the past year that have been intimate, powerful and anointed.
I am intentional about meeting face to face with others who love God and who have the fruit of the Spirit evident in their lives.
We meet, we talk, we discuss scriptures, we eat, we share a cup of tea, we pray, we laugh, we cry.
These gatherings remind me of Acts 2:42-45. “And they continued steadfastly in the apostles’ doctrine and fellowship, in the breaking of bread, and in prayers. Then fear came upon every soul, and many wonders and signs were done through the apostles. Now all who believed were brought together, and had all things in common, and sold their possessions and goods, and divided them among all, as anyone had need.”
If you have experienced abuse, ridicule, shame, blame, or judgement from a religious institution, I am so sorry.
I assure you, that’s not God.
If you are a Christian woman rebuilding your life after abuse, join our community here, where I have organized hundreds of resources to help you on your healing journey.
I left church to follow Jesus.
I know this statement will make some people extremely uncomfortable.
But church represents trauma, pain, abuse, misogyny, and patriarchy to me.
At this point in my journey, this is what I must do to heal.
A year ago, I made a life-changing decision.
I left church to follow Jesus.
I left religion to pursue relationship.
I left spiritual narcissism to find freedom.
I left patriarchy to rest in my Father’s arms.
I left misogyny to find my value as a woman.
I left exhaustion to experience rest.
I left confusion to bask in clarity.
I left chaos to breathe in peace.
I left darkness to walk in joy.
Matthew 18:20 says, “For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there I am in the midst of them.”
I have been blessed by some precious “two or more” gatherings in the past year that have been intimate, powerful and anointed.
I am intentional about meeting face to face with others who love God and who have the fruit of the Spirit evident in their lives.
We meet, we talk, we discuss scriptures, we eat, we share a cup of tea, we pray, we laugh, we cry.
These gatherings remind me of Acts 2:42-45. “And they continued steadfastly in the apostles’ doctrine and fellowship, in the breaking of bread, and in prayers. Then fear came upon every soul, and many wonders and signs were done through the apostles. Now all who believed were brought together, and had all things in common, and sold their possessions and goods, and divided them among all, as anyone had need.”
If you have experienced abuse, ridicule, shame, blame, or judgement from a religious institution, I am so sorry.
I assure you, that’s not God.
If you are a Christian woman rebuilding your life after abuse, join our community here, where I have organized hundreds of resources to help you on your healing journey.
I left church to follow Jesus.
I know this statement will make some people extremely uncomfortable.
But church represents trauma, pain, abuse, misogyny, and patriarchy to me.
At this point in my journey, this is what I must do to heal.
(Disclaimer: I love Jesus with all my heart. I know He loves me; I know He is good, and I know He has been with me every single day of my life. I can distinguish between Him and His Word and the acts of those who use Him and His Word to control and destroy others. I left a religious system that is broken and destructive to follow a Savior who is loving and redeeming. I gather weekly with others who love Him and who encourage me and hold me accountable. I am not forsaking the gathering, and I desire to be a part of community that lives out Acts 2:42-45. “And they continued steadfastly in the apostles’ doctrine and fellowship, in the breaking of bread, and in prayers. Then fear came upon every soul, and many wonders and signs were done through the apostles. Now all who believed were brought together, and had all things in common, and sold their possessions and goods, and divided them among all, as anyone had need.”)
I am here to share parts of my story. While I am not ready to bear all, I am sharing the reasons why I no longer attend traditional church. I have many layers of trauma associated with religious institutions and I am healing. It is unwise to continue to return to the place where trauma occurred. If someone were involved in a shooting, we would not insist that they continue participating in shootings. My trauma wounds came not from firearms but from leaders who weaponized God and His Word to abuse me and who turned blind eyes to other abuses being committed against me. Apart from two short-lived seasons of life, all my church experiences have been toxic and filled with spiritual abuse. I just did not know spiritual abuse was a thing until about ten years ago. It took me several more years to shake off the chains and walk away.
I once believed that I was called to be a bridge back to a specific religious institution. I watched so many wounded souls get chewed up and spit out by the church, and they abandoned their faith altogether. Finally, my eyes were opened, and I realized I am called to be a bridge back to Jesus, not to a toxic institution. I have spoken with hundreds of dear people who love Jesus and genuinely want to grow in their faith, but who have no desire whatsoever to darken the doorstep of a church. I get that. I really do.
Spiritual Abuse
I attended church several times a week for forty-five years. I grew up in a conservative, evangelical community that was very legalistic. Pretty much everything would send you straight to hell. Or so I was taught. Sadly, I adopted a lot of those teachings and regurgitated most of what I heard from pulpits and platforms. I was taught not to question leaders or authority, and march to the drumbeat set for me. I was indoctrinated in a plethora of denominations…Church of the Nazarene, Assemblies of God, Mennonite, Baptist, and non-denominational. These churches may be under different denominations, but the experiences I had at each one shared a common denominator…spiritual abuse.
Simply put, spiritual abuse occurs when a spiritual leader uses his/her position to manipulate, control, blackmail, or abuse another. Some examples of spiritual abuse that I witnessed were twisting and misinterpreting scriptures, manipulating people to give finances, using congregant’s skills, services, or expertise without compensation (while leaders collected a hefty salary), forcing victims to stay with abusers, allowing abusers and adulterers to serve in leadership positions, encouraging members to open up about generational curses and personal sins and later using that information against them, and allowing convicted sex offenders to be in the church without informing the congregation of the danger. There are many ways that spiritual abuse is manifested, and I have heard stories that turn my stomach and break my heart.
Narcissism
Narcissism is rampant in churches. Narcissistic qualities may include possessing an exaggerated sense of self-importance or sense of entitlement, needing admiration, exaggerating and lying to puff up self, taking over conversations and discussions, manipulating, having a public persona and a private persona, lacking true empathy, willing to take advantage of others, and using gaslighting and projection to control others. This list is not exhaustive, and it may take years for a licensed therapist to diagnose narcissism, but it is important to discuss these realities so that others can be spared further abuse.
There are certain professions that attract narcissists because they are given power and control over others. When I did a search on the top choices, clergy was the first one mentioned. This does not mean that every person who is in a clergy role is a narcissist, but it is quite easy for someone to use their position of to harm others.
At most churches I attended, there were leaders who used their positions of power in destructive ways. They stood behind pulpits each week and most congregants accepted what they said as if God Himself was speaking the words. Very few church members would research God’s Word or look at the context or original language of passages. A humble leader encourages his congregation to study the Bible and to question anything he says if it is not in line with God’s character and written word.
Patriarchy and Misogyny
In my experience, many churches were led by men and women were not honored or respected as equals. Many sermons about marriage shamed and blamed wives, while excusing abusive behaviors in husbands. The concept of submission was misrepresented and was a pass for men to mistreat their wives. Patriarchy and misogyny were rampant. And, since I was a woman, I was put in my place time and time again. I was often ignored by leaders in public, they would even look at the floor when they passed by me.
Hierarchy
There was a hierarchy, a chain of command. The “in crowd.” And, trust me, I was never in that club. I was told I could not “process down,” which meant if I was going through something difficult, I was to take it to those who were “above me” and not share with my own small group, which was “below me.” WHAT THE ACTUAL HECK???? Once, I offered to pray for a pastor’s wife. Her father was sick, and I knew she was genuinely concerned. I was told, “I cannot process down.” At another church, I beheld the stomach-churring reality of “celebrity pastors.” Again, WHAT THE ACTUAL HECK???
In the Kingdom of God, there is Jesus at the top…then, the rest of us. That is it. It is really that simple. There is no other need for a ladder within the Kingdom. Jesus sits on the throne and His follower bow at His feet. We should never bow at the feet of another human being.
Victim Shaming
When the realities of what was going on in my home were brought to leadership’s attention, I was punished for my abuser’s sins. I was removed from leadership opportunities while my abuser was not. I was told that if did X, Y, Z, my abuser would change, placing the full weight of someone else’s sin squarely on my shoulders. There is so much more to this story. What went on at home was vile and grievous. But, being blamed for that abuse by the leaders I looked up to as spiritual fathers and big brothers crushed my heart even more. I can now share about my marriage without tearing up, but when I begin to speak about the way my leaders treated me, I weep every time.
Wolves are Welcome
More recently, I poured my heart out to a pastor, sharing about the years of abuse I had endured at home and church, thinking I had finally found a safe shelter. I asked what his church’s stance was on abuse. He said, “The abuser and the abused are welcome here.” I did not understand at that moment, but I would soon learn, that statement is not Biblical. Not in the least. God’s word has much to say about abuse and abusers. Jesus stood up for the abused and He stood up against the abusers (wolves). Sadly, most churches do not follow His lead in this way. If you or someone you love is in an abusive relationship, I caution you against going to a church for help. I, along with countless others, have been retraumatized by the church. Most pastors and lay leaders are not trained to recognize domestic violence or trauma and do not have the skills to help. I advise you to reach out to a licensed therapist who is trauma-informed and domestic violence-informed (research the Power and Control Wheel to understand the many ways abuse is manifested).
At each church, I did my best to love God and love others. I showed up to love and be loved. I showed up to serve and use the gifts that God had placed within me. I was eager and willing, and my heart was for anyone else who felt abused, set aside, unworthy, not good enough. When I saw injustice, I spoke up against it. I was told not to pick up the offenses of others. When I was concerned about why a leader left in the dark of night, I was told I could not ask questions. When I saw a physical need and presented a solution to meet it, I was told that that person needed to suffer so she could “find Jesus.” When I got out of my seat on a Sunday morning to pray with a friend who was sitting alone, I was told “People need to come to the alter, we should not go to them.”
So, a year ago, I left church to follow Jesus.
And, I have never felt closer to Him than I do now.
I have spent the last year getting to know Him more intimately, digging deeper into passages within the Bible that were once used against me and learning so much about the context and heart of God. I have gained some incredible connections with survivors, advocates, counselors, and leaders who are domestic violence-informed and trauma-informed. I left the scene of the accident so that I could begin to heal. I am not saying I will never attend traditional church again (I have learned to never say never say never). My heart and my home welcome those who are weary, broken, and bleeding.
If you are a Christian woman rebuilding after abuse, please join us here, at Held and Healed. Or, if you are a woman who loves others and wants to learn how to help and not hurt, this is a great place to begin. I share the resources that have helped me on my healing journey. We are building community and seeing the transformation of truth setting women free.
I am here to share parts of my story. While I am not ready to bear all, I am sharing the reasons why I no longer attend traditional church. I have many layers of trauma associated with religious institutions and I am healing. It is unwise to continue to return to the place where trauma occurred. If someone were involved in a shooting, we would not insist that they continue participating in shootings. My trauma wounds came not from firearms but from leaders who weaponized God and His Word to abuse me and who turned blind eyes to other abuses being committed against me. Apart from two short-lived seasons of life, all my church experiences have been toxic and filled with spiritual abuse. I just did not know spiritual abuse was a thing until about ten years ago. It took me several more years to shake off the chains and walk away.
I once believed that I was called to be a bridge back to a specific religious institution. I watched so many wounded souls get chewed up and spit out by the church, and they abandoned their faith altogether. Finally, my eyes were opened, and I realized I am called to be a bridge back to Jesus, not to a toxic institution. I have spoken with hundreds of dear people who love Jesus and genuinely want to grow in their faith, but who have no desire whatsoever to darken the doorstep of a church. I get that. I really do.
Spiritual Abuse
I attended church several times a week for forty-five years. I grew up in a conservative, evangelical community that was very legalistic. Pretty much everything would send you straight to hell. Or so I was taught. Sadly, I adopted a lot of those teachings and regurgitated most of what I heard from pulpits and platforms. I was taught not to question leaders or authority, and march to the drumbeat set for me. I was indoctrinated in a plethora of denominations…Church of the Nazarene, Assemblies of God, Mennonite, Baptist, and non-denominational. These churches may be under different denominations, but the experiences I had at each one shared a common denominator…spiritual abuse.
Simply put, spiritual abuse occurs when a spiritual leader uses his/her position to manipulate, control, blackmail, or abuse another. Some examples of spiritual abuse that I witnessed were twisting and misinterpreting scriptures, manipulating people to give finances, using congregant’s skills, services, or expertise without compensation (while leaders collected a hefty salary), forcing victims to stay with abusers, allowing abusers and adulterers to serve in leadership positions, encouraging members to open up about generational curses and personal sins and later using that information against them, and allowing convicted sex offenders to be in the church without informing the congregation of the danger. There are many ways that spiritual abuse is manifested, and I have heard stories that turn my stomach and break my heart.
Narcissism
Narcissism is rampant in churches. Narcissistic qualities may include possessing an exaggerated sense of self-importance or sense of entitlement, needing admiration, exaggerating and lying to puff up self, taking over conversations and discussions, manipulating, having a public persona and a private persona, lacking true empathy, willing to take advantage of others, and using gaslighting and projection to control others. This list is not exhaustive, and it may take years for a licensed therapist to diagnose narcissism, but it is important to discuss these realities so that others can be spared further abuse.
There are certain professions that attract narcissists because they are given power and control over others. When I did a search on the top choices, clergy was the first one mentioned. This does not mean that every person who is in a clergy role is a narcissist, but it is quite easy for someone to use their position of to harm others.
At most churches I attended, there were leaders who used their positions of power in destructive ways. They stood behind pulpits each week and most congregants accepted what they said as if God Himself was speaking the words. Very few church members would research God’s Word or look at the context or original language of passages. A humble leader encourages his congregation to study the Bible and to question anything he says if it is not in line with God’s character and written word.
Patriarchy and Misogyny
In my experience, many churches were led by men and women were not honored or respected as equals. Many sermons about marriage shamed and blamed wives, while excusing abusive behaviors in husbands. The concept of submission was misrepresented and was a pass for men to mistreat their wives. Patriarchy and misogyny were rampant. And, since I was a woman, I was put in my place time and time again. I was often ignored by leaders in public, they would even look at the floor when they passed by me.
Hierarchy
There was a hierarchy, a chain of command. The “in crowd.” And, trust me, I was never in that club. I was told I could not “process down,” which meant if I was going through something difficult, I was to take it to those who were “above me” and not share with my own small group, which was “below me.” WHAT THE ACTUAL HECK???? Once, I offered to pray for a pastor’s wife. Her father was sick, and I knew she was genuinely concerned. I was told, “I cannot process down.” At another church, I beheld the stomach-churring reality of “celebrity pastors.” Again, WHAT THE ACTUAL HECK???
In the Kingdom of God, there is Jesus at the top…then, the rest of us. That is it. It is really that simple. There is no other need for a ladder within the Kingdom. Jesus sits on the throne and His follower bow at His feet. We should never bow at the feet of another human being.
Victim Shaming
When the realities of what was going on in my home were brought to leadership’s attention, I was punished for my abuser’s sins. I was removed from leadership opportunities while my abuser was not. I was told that if did X, Y, Z, my abuser would change, placing the full weight of someone else’s sin squarely on my shoulders. There is so much more to this story. What went on at home was vile and grievous. But, being blamed for that abuse by the leaders I looked up to as spiritual fathers and big brothers crushed my heart even more. I can now share about my marriage without tearing up, but when I begin to speak about the way my leaders treated me, I weep every time.
Wolves are Welcome
More recently, I poured my heart out to a pastor, sharing about the years of abuse I had endured at home and church, thinking I had finally found a safe shelter. I asked what his church’s stance was on abuse. He said, “The abuser and the abused are welcome here.” I did not understand at that moment, but I would soon learn, that statement is not Biblical. Not in the least. God’s word has much to say about abuse and abusers. Jesus stood up for the abused and He stood up against the abusers (wolves). Sadly, most churches do not follow His lead in this way. If you or someone you love is in an abusive relationship, I caution you against going to a church for help. I, along with countless others, have been retraumatized by the church. Most pastors and lay leaders are not trained to recognize domestic violence or trauma and do not have the skills to help. I advise you to reach out to a licensed therapist who is trauma-informed and domestic violence-informed (research the Power and Control Wheel to understand the many ways abuse is manifested).
At each church, I did my best to love God and love others. I showed up to love and be loved. I showed up to serve and use the gifts that God had placed within me. I was eager and willing, and my heart was for anyone else who felt abused, set aside, unworthy, not good enough. When I saw injustice, I spoke up against it. I was told not to pick up the offenses of others. When I was concerned about why a leader left in the dark of night, I was told I could not ask questions. When I saw a physical need and presented a solution to meet it, I was told that that person needed to suffer so she could “find Jesus.” When I got out of my seat on a Sunday morning to pray with a friend who was sitting alone, I was told “People need to come to the alter, we should not go to them.”
So, a year ago, I left church to follow Jesus.
And, I have never felt closer to Him than I do now.
I have spent the last year getting to know Him more intimately, digging deeper into passages within the Bible that were once used against me and learning so much about the context and heart of God. I have gained some incredible connections with survivors, advocates, counselors, and leaders who are domestic violence-informed and trauma-informed. I left the scene of the accident so that I could begin to heal. I am not saying I will never attend traditional church again (I have learned to never say never say never). My heart and my home welcome those who are weary, broken, and bleeding.
If you are a Christian woman rebuilding after abuse, please join us here, at Held and Healed. Or, if you are a woman who loves others and wants to learn how to help and not hurt, this is a great place to begin. I share the resources that have helped me on my healing journey. We are building community and seeing the transformation of truth setting women free.
“I’m not here to make friends. I’m here to make a difference.”
This week I heard the testimony of a tattoo artist who uses his God-given skills and artistic abilities to help human trafficking survivors cover up their branding tats. What an amazing ministry. He is the hands, feet and heart of Jesus as he ministers to a practical and personal need.
I’ve said these words, “I’m not here to make friends with abusers.” If someone is abusive and uses power and control to manipulate, dominate and destroy others, I am not here to make them feel comfortable.
I’m here to be a voice for the one who have been told to shut up.
I’m here to speak worth over the one who has been told she’s worthless.
I’m here to call out the strengths I see in the one who feels weak.
I’m here to illuminate a path to safety for those who live in fear.
I’m here to say “ENOUGH IS ENOUGH” to abusers.
To abusers who are mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, pastors, employers, teachers, counselors, coaches…I say, “ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.”
This week I heard the testimony of a tattoo artist who uses his God-given skills and artistic abilities to help human trafficking survivors cover up their branding tats. What an amazing ministry. He is the hands, feet and heart of Jesus as he ministers to a practical and personal need.
I’ve said these words, “I’m not here to make friends with abusers.” If someone is abusive and uses power and control to manipulate, dominate and destroy others, I am not here to make them feel comfortable.
I’m here to be a voice for the one who have been told to shut up.
I’m here to speak worth over the one who has been told she’s worthless.
I’m here to call out the strengths I see in the one who feels weak.
I’m here to illuminate a path to safety for those who live in fear.
I’m here to say “ENOUGH IS ENOUGH” to abusers.
To abusers who are mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, pastors, employers, teachers, counselors, coaches…I say, “ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.”
Thankfully, I am not alone. God spoke out against abuse long before I ever did. He called His followers to do the same.
“Open your mouth, judge righteously, defend the rights of the poor and needy.” Proverbs 31:9
“Is not this the fast that I choose: to loose the bonds of wickedness, to undo the straps of the yoke, to let the oppressed go free, to break every yoke?” Isaiah 58:6-7
“Learn to do good; seek justice, correct oppression; bring justice to the fatherless, plead the widow’s case.” Isaiah 1:17
“Thus says the Lord: Do justice and righteousness and deliver from the hand of the oppressor him who has been robbed.” Jeremiah 22:3
“Righteousness and justice are the foundation of your throne; love and faithfulness go before you.” Psalm 89:14
"But let justice roll on like a river, righteousness like a never-failing stream." Amos 5:24
There are many verses in the Bible about taking a standing up for the abused. There are many verses in the Bible about up against abusers (wolves). If we are true Christians (by definition: “followers of Christ”), we cannot stand by idly and do nothing.
I recently took a stand against heinous abuse that was done by a world-famous leader in the faith community. I’ve heard many say that he did so much good for the Kingdom, that the good outweighed the bad. I beg to differ. The man committed vile, sexual acts against women and then stood on platforms across the globe and defended the Bible.
Is there anything more grievous in God’s eyes than spiritual abuse? Spiritual abuse weaponizes God and His Word to control, manipulate and prey upon others. After taking a public stand on this matter, I was told to “make sure my love shows more than my hate.” I replied, “I hate evil. I love the women who are bravely walking out of the fire.”
God’s Word tells us to hate evil. Why is it so common, especially within evangelical faith communities, for people to be uncomfortable with someone sharing about abuse, while not being bothered by witnessing abusive behaviors?
About two years ago, shared some of my story with a pastor, summarizing decades of domestic abuse, emotional abuse, mental abuse and spiritual abuse. When I asked about his church’s stance on the subject, I was told, “The abuser and the abused are welcome here.” All kinds of alarms went off in my head. I have now completed a year’s certification in a victim advocacy, and I understand how unbiblical that statement was.
It’s time to take a stand for righteous, truth and justice.
Twelve years ago, I became aware of the realities of human trafficking. As I began to speak up and educate others about this, I remember the looks and the responses. When I handed a church person a flyer to invite them to a screening of a documentary that exposed trafficking across the world, they recoiled as if I was handing them an STD. Now, I am finding a similar response when I share about the realities of domestic violence and spiritual abuse in the church community.
Statistics say 25-30% of women are suffering from domestic violence, but my gut (and my heart) says that number is way too low. I believe that 50-75% of women within the church walls are suffering from various forms of domestic violence. This is fueled by twisting scriptures, shaming women, blaming wives for their husbands’ sins, misogyny and patriarchy which are common in many evangelical circles. If you are not familiar with the Power and Control Wheel, I urge you to familiarize yourself with it now.
Abuse is so much more than bruises and broken bones. Abusers may use intimidation, emotional abuse, isolation, minimizing, denying, bullying, parental alienation, male privilege, spousal rape, economic abuse or threats to control their victims. I will be writing about each of these elements soon, because so many women are experiencing abuse every single day and they do not even know it.
Until then, I welcome women who are victims and women who want to be advocates for victims to join us at Held & Healed: Christian Women Rebuilding After Abuse. In the group, I share resources that have helped me on my healing journey. There is a mighty army of survivors, advocates, counselors and leaders rising up. While my heart bleeds that no one was there for me twenty years ago, I am determined to be for others what I needed someone to be for me. That is redemption and I will live my life being a voice for truth, righteousness and justice.
Bullies are everywhere.
They are on school buses and playgrounds.
In boardrooms and MLM’s.
They stand on platforms and behind pulpits.
They may share your bloodline or your last name.
I vividly recall one such bully. I was in middle school, petite and timid. Abuse was rampant at home, so I was scared of my own shadow. I was jumpy and unsure of myself. This bully had laser focus. She picked me out on the school bus and stalked me in the dark corners of the school library. She threatened bodily harm on my frail frame.
in high school, I stepped in to protect someone else from a bully. A mean girl. I was barely 90 pounds, soaking wet, but she was verbally attacking someone I cared about and I didn't think twice about intervening.
I have dealt with more bullies in my life that I care to recount. Many of those bullies have been in positions of spiritual leadership over me. Those are the worst kind. Ones who know God's Word and use it to beat others up.
As I am healing, I have learned a few things that give me courage to stand up for myself and walk away from bullies. I know I have so much more to learn, but these are some of the thoughts that are on my heart today.
I am no longer a scared, timid little girl. I am a grown woman. I am a powerful advocate for myself and others. I am a voice for the voiceless.
I choose to walk away from conversations or texts battles that are accusing, gaslighting, manipulating or projecting a bully's behaviors on to me. I am not anyone's punching bag or verbal vomit bucket. I am worthy of honor and respect.
I do not have to have relationships with those who bully me. I can go low or no contact with anyone who makes me feel threatened or unsafe.
I am not the reason a bully is miserable. I cannot to fix, heal, recuse, save or change anyone. The bully is responsible for his/her behaviors, I am responsible for mine.
Jesus had lots to say about abusers. He told us to have NOTHING to do with them. Jesus understood boundaries, and I am here to learn from the best teacher of all.
They are on school buses and playgrounds.
In boardrooms and MLM’s.
They stand on platforms and behind pulpits.
They may share your bloodline or your last name.
I vividly recall one such bully. I was in middle school, petite and timid. Abuse was rampant at home, so I was scared of my own shadow. I was jumpy and unsure of myself. This bully had laser focus. She picked me out on the school bus and stalked me in the dark corners of the school library. She threatened bodily harm on my frail frame.
in high school, I stepped in to protect someone else from a bully. A mean girl. I was barely 90 pounds, soaking wet, but she was verbally attacking someone I cared about and I didn't think twice about intervening.
I have dealt with more bullies in my life that I care to recount. Many of those bullies have been in positions of spiritual leadership over me. Those are the worst kind. Ones who know God's Word and use it to beat others up.
As I am healing, I have learned a few things that give me courage to stand up for myself and walk away from bullies. I know I have so much more to learn, but these are some of the thoughts that are on my heart today.
I am no longer a scared, timid little girl. I am a grown woman. I am a powerful advocate for myself and others. I am a voice for the voiceless.
I choose to walk away from conversations or texts battles that are accusing, gaslighting, manipulating or projecting a bully's behaviors on to me. I am not anyone's punching bag or verbal vomit bucket. I am worthy of honor and respect.
I do not have to have relationships with those who bully me. I can go low or no contact with anyone who makes me feel threatened or unsafe.
I am not the reason a bully is miserable. I cannot to fix, heal, recuse, save or change anyone. The bully is responsible for his/her behaviors, I am responsible for mine.
Jesus had lots to say about abusers. He told us to have NOTHING to do with them. Jesus understood boundaries, and I am here to learn from the best teacher of all.
That’s Not God: Exposing Spiritual Abuse and Calling the Broken-hearted Back to the Father’s Heart
(I have an alternate title that I hope I will be brave enough to use when the time comes to publish this as a collection, but I’m not that brave just yet.)
INTRODUCTION:
I endured spiritual abuse for nearly four decades. Long before I even knew it had a name, long before I could define spiritual narcissism, long before I knew I had worth, long before I had courage to speak against such (insert word here that may or may not be in my book title and is often abbreviated with the letters B and S).
As a teen, I watched as many of my friends walked away from church and God. They were wounded and the church treated them as lepers, talked about them behind closed doors, shunned them publicly and falsely accused them of things they did not do. This particular institution called people to confess their deepest/darkest secrets, then used that information against these vulnerable souls. I would now call this spiritual blackmail. THAT’S NOT GOD.
Mere men played the role that only God should assume and thirty years later, most of those who were abused are still carrying deep scars. Forgiveness was not sought by the leaders who wounded them. I remember sitting in one pastor’s office, begging him to seek out one who was hurt, and he just smiled at me and sent me on my way. The person I was advocating for is still one of the most heart-broken souls I know. I often wonder what might be different if that leader had confessed the heinous sin committed and sought forgiveness.
I was brainwashed and under a spell. I would now call it a cult. There were so many expectations, most were “unwritten rules.” The focus was on public appearances and the lack of care for what went on behind closed doors was unbiblical and negligent. THAT’S NOT GOD.
I once believed I was called to be a bridge back to an institution, I now understand how warped and twisted that way of thinking was. Now, I accept a much higher calling. I am here to call the broken, weary, misunderstood and condemned back to the heart of Father God.
I recently heard the story of a young woman who was sexually molested by her grandfather. After he did unmentionable things to her, he would sing “How Great Thou Art.” That song, written to declare the goodness and faithfulness of God, became a trigger that set her off and evoked emotional and physical reactions for years to come. THAT’S NOT GOD.
I am here to call out the BS that goes on in His name and invite others to consider how broken His heart is each time someone uses His name and His Word to beat up, maim, condemn or curse another human being. I stand on God’s word and His character. He is good, faithful, loving, merciful, gracious and compassionate. He alone is the reason that I am still alive. He stood with me in the fires and carried me through the floods. While many turn from Him because of the abuse suffered in His name, I was able to run into His arms for safety and refuge. I am here to testify to His goodness. I am here to extend love to all who are weary, broken-hearted, and disillusioned.
I will not be naming names of individuals or institutions. In this collection, I will be sharing anonymous stories of brave souls who have been wounded by the very ones who were supposed to protect, nurture, love and honor them. If you have a story to share, feel free to message me. I will listen and help you see how grieved God’s heart is by the abuse you have endured.
I know this topic makes many feel uncomfortable. If you are a leader and you have used your position of power to willfully wound others, you will not like this message. If you are a leader and you have unintentionally hurt others, I pray this message will encourage you to seek forgiveness from them and move toward reconciliation. No one is perfect. But, there are many who are knowingly abusing those in their care and I say, “ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.”
I pray that victims of spiritual abuse will feel validated, seen, heard and loved. That is the reason I am stepping out to begin this project. Time is short. We do not know what tomorrow holds. I am desperate to see hearts restored to the Father. I raise my voice for the ones who have been wounded in the deepest crevices of their souls. I call you back to the heart of the One who saw it all, heard it all and whose heart broke when your heart broke.
When you were abused, rejected and cast out by men and women who used His word to beat you up, THAT’S NOT GOD.
When you were sexually abused by a pastor or youth pastor, THAT’S NOT GOD.
When that abuse was hidden and covered up by other leaders in your church, THAT’S NOT GOD.
When you were told if you wanted to honor God, you would return to your adulterous and abusive spouse, THAT’S NOT GOD.
When your abuser was coddled and embraced and you were blamed for his sin, THAT’S NOT GOD.
When you were set aside because you were physically sick and not cared for by the church you served for years, THAT’S NOT GOD.
When you were overlooked for a ministry you were qualified for because you didn’t have a college degree, THAT’S NOT GOD.
When you were taught that abortion is wrong but you faced excommunication for a pregnancy before marriage, THAT’S NOT GOD.
When you were rejected by the “in crowd,” at church, THAT’S NOT GOD.
When you were judged for battling mental illness but never pointed to healing resources, THAT’S NOT GOD.
This collection may take some time to write and I thank each one who is willing to share their story to empower others. I invite you on this journey back to the heart of the perfect and loving Father. His arms are open wide.
His heart is revealed here: “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:25-28 (NIV)
If you are a Christian woman who is rebuilding your life after abuse, join us here.
INTRODUCTION:
I endured spiritual abuse for nearly four decades. Long before I even knew it had a name, long before I could define spiritual narcissism, long before I knew I had worth, long before I had courage to speak against such (insert word here that may or may not be in my book title and is often abbreviated with the letters B and S).
As a teen, I watched as many of my friends walked away from church and God. They were wounded and the church treated them as lepers, talked about them behind closed doors, shunned them publicly and falsely accused them of things they did not do. This particular institution called people to confess their deepest/darkest secrets, then used that information against these vulnerable souls. I would now call this spiritual blackmail. THAT’S NOT GOD.
Mere men played the role that only God should assume and thirty years later, most of those who were abused are still carrying deep scars. Forgiveness was not sought by the leaders who wounded them. I remember sitting in one pastor’s office, begging him to seek out one who was hurt, and he just smiled at me and sent me on my way. The person I was advocating for is still one of the most heart-broken souls I know. I often wonder what might be different if that leader had confessed the heinous sin committed and sought forgiveness.
I was brainwashed and under a spell. I would now call it a cult. There were so many expectations, most were “unwritten rules.” The focus was on public appearances and the lack of care for what went on behind closed doors was unbiblical and negligent. THAT’S NOT GOD.
I once believed I was called to be a bridge back to an institution, I now understand how warped and twisted that way of thinking was. Now, I accept a much higher calling. I am here to call the broken, weary, misunderstood and condemned back to the heart of Father God.
I recently heard the story of a young woman who was sexually molested by her grandfather. After he did unmentionable things to her, he would sing “How Great Thou Art.” That song, written to declare the goodness and faithfulness of God, became a trigger that set her off and evoked emotional and physical reactions for years to come. THAT’S NOT GOD.
I am here to call out the BS that goes on in His name and invite others to consider how broken His heart is each time someone uses His name and His Word to beat up, maim, condemn or curse another human being. I stand on God’s word and His character. He is good, faithful, loving, merciful, gracious and compassionate. He alone is the reason that I am still alive. He stood with me in the fires and carried me through the floods. While many turn from Him because of the abuse suffered in His name, I was able to run into His arms for safety and refuge. I am here to testify to His goodness. I am here to extend love to all who are weary, broken-hearted, and disillusioned.
I will not be naming names of individuals or institutions. In this collection, I will be sharing anonymous stories of brave souls who have been wounded by the very ones who were supposed to protect, nurture, love and honor them. If you have a story to share, feel free to message me. I will listen and help you see how grieved God’s heart is by the abuse you have endured.
I know this topic makes many feel uncomfortable. If you are a leader and you have used your position of power to willfully wound others, you will not like this message. If you are a leader and you have unintentionally hurt others, I pray this message will encourage you to seek forgiveness from them and move toward reconciliation. No one is perfect. But, there are many who are knowingly abusing those in their care and I say, “ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.”
I pray that victims of spiritual abuse will feel validated, seen, heard and loved. That is the reason I am stepping out to begin this project. Time is short. We do not know what tomorrow holds. I am desperate to see hearts restored to the Father. I raise my voice for the ones who have been wounded in the deepest crevices of their souls. I call you back to the heart of the One who saw it all, heard it all and whose heart broke when your heart broke.
When you were abused, rejected and cast out by men and women who used His word to beat you up, THAT’S NOT GOD.
When you were sexually abused by a pastor or youth pastor, THAT’S NOT GOD.
When that abuse was hidden and covered up by other leaders in your church, THAT’S NOT GOD.
When you were told if you wanted to honor God, you would return to your adulterous and abusive spouse, THAT’S NOT GOD.
When your abuser was coddled and embraced and you were blamed for his sin, THAT’S NOT GOD.
When you were set aside because you were physically sick and not cared for by the church you served for years, THAT’S NOT GOD.
When you were overlooked for a ministry you were qualified for because you didn’t have a college degree, THAT’S NOT GOD.
When you were taught that abortion is wrong but you faced excommunication for a pregnancy before marriage, THAT’S NOT GOD.
When you were rejected by the “in crowd,” at church, THAT’S NOT GOD.
When you were judged for battling mental illness but never pointed to healing resources, THAT’S NOT GOD.
This collection may take some time to write and I thank each one who is willing to share their story to empower others. I invite you on this journey back to the heart of the perfect and loving Father. His arms are open wide.
His heart is revealed here: “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:25-28 (NIV)
If you are a Christian woman who is rebuilding your life after abuse, join us here.
